(General intelligence: General Sir Phoenix ‘Birdie’ Resurgam, left, and General Sir Frank ‘Bitsie’ Manticore, left and right, escape justice at London Crown Court today by outstaring prosecutors.)It has emerged that sensitive data on an M.O.D. laptop, that went missing on Friday, may include the real reason for the War in Iraq.
The laptop is thought to contain arguments for and against the conflict, which has claimed over a thousand hundred million thousand lives, including up to two British lives. Experts believe the arguments include several which are “compelling” or “very compelling”, although they are unsure what these might be.
“As yet we have no idea,” said military analyst Elysabinth Hightones. “It could be anything really. Clearly they can’t be the reasons we were given, as these were both poor and contradictory.”
“These arguments are highly sensitive. They’re nothing like the reasons you’ve been given,” said Prime Minister Gordon Camberwell, in a specially worded announcement. “But to disclose our true motive prematurely,” he added, “is exactly what our enemies want. It would be playing into the hands of those who seek to bring down the British way of life,” answering all questions from journalists with an invariable “no, it’s not that. It’s nothing like that.”
Unnamed sources have hinted at a colossal reward for anyone with information leading to the laptop’s recovery, and implied (by intonation and double-entendre) that the government may have pledged to reveal the reason once and for all, if it is ever found.
If true, the pledge might also cover the grounds for future conflicts, said to be on the laptop, including upcoming wars in Iran, Colombia, Pakistan, Korea, Peru, Nepal, Sudan, Australia, Iceland and the Third and Fourth World Wars, experts opined.
The theft happened while generals popped out to buy some spuds for their tea.
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