Police Request More Time to Question Consciences over G20 Death

(The disembodied head of a masked Terror Police contemplates its actions; note painted monster-design to intimidate news-crews.)

Police have been granted more time to question their own consciences over the death of a bystander in the G20 protests of this April 1st after initial enquiries drew a blank.

Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus granted the request as police submitted that, almost one month on, they still fail to grasp the seriousness of the attack which left a human man dead.

“In complicated cases like these,” said the judge, “there can be literally hundreds of hours of soul-searches to conduct. Credos and raisons-d’être need to be assessed, and sometimes even reassessed. We are still in the early years of the inquiry, and many of the officers involved are just too psyched up to care.”

But Police Complaints Czar, Sir [NAME UNAVAILABLE, NUMBER COVERED UP] called it “trial by media,” saying, “This would all have been a tragic accident if it hadn’t been seen.”

“We have yet to appreciate the wrong,” conceded a spokespolice for the Queen’s Royal Metropolitans and City, anonymous under his balaclava mask and ritual scarring. “The investigation is still at an early stage though, and we hope to make a moral breakthrough in the near future. Till then, who can blame us for circulating slanders about our enemies the British people?”

Giant Banker Loose in York

(Artist’s expression of what the fiend ought to look like.)

York town centre has been cordoned off and a ginnel put on high alert this evening after eagle-eyed shoppers spotted a gigantic banker alternately relaxing and letting off steam.

A thousand residences have been evacuated, and some hundred more burnt to the ground in an effort to contain the beast, while local farmers stampeded suicide-heifers at it.

Asked whether this desperate tactic had worked, they said they couldn’t tell.

“But probably not.”

According to eye-witnesses, the banker spent some time strolling around the old town, earning perks and emoluments as he took in York’s scenic ambience, before sipping a sort of brown coffee with white bubbles in it at Starbuck’s Coppergate. (Starbuck herself was unavailable for comment, as she was having a another flashback episode, due to insufficient Cylons.) Then he had a ride on a riverboat.

Later, young Vikings from Jorvik Viking Centre reported seeing the dreadful bloodsucker actually smiling.

“It was a chilling sight,” said Viking Hildr Ásgerðardóttir.

“He certainly seemed to be enjoying himself,” agreed her foster-brother, mischievous Viking Slengr Friðason, “after the way of his kind.”

When asked whether they’d seen any of the nation’s wealth being frittered away on the monster, the Nordic rapscallions said they couldn’t be sure.

“I did think I saw something being frittered away one time,” Hildr suspected, “but it might just have been a cup-cake. Oh, and he threw some herceptin to the ducks.”

Antiterror police said they’d had the banker in their sights several times already before it got dark, “but couldn’t shoot him, because the crosshairs kept getting in our way.”

However, it has been further revealed – in a mixture of shock scoops and exclusives – that the banker, who is believed to be a chairman of banks, earned somewhat more than newspaper bosses during the hours of his rampage, a fact that papers are describing as “obscene”.

They were joined in their condemnation of the creature by the Prime Minister, who said that all monsters’ salaries should be cut, “at least to those of a Prime Minister. More than that just doesn’t seem right,” as he draughted a range of cash incentives for the Thing, to win it over to the idea.

Meanwhile the behemoth shows no sign of going into meltdown. But police say it is vital that the usurious gargantua be apprehended before next week’s royal visit to York.

“We were all so looking forward to meeting Her Majesty,” York Mayor, Carnivalia Radon-Radion yearned. “It would be a shame if She were to be inconvenienced by a colossal parasite.”

US Scientists Solve All Mysteries

Scientists from the USA have solved a criminal mystery that had the scientific and legal communities in an uproar of puzzlement for over five hundred years, and then solved more, and more...

The team of military scientists, working at the US’s prestigious naval institute of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, made the discovery and the other discoveries late last night, “after a particularly gruelling session.”

“We were actually investigating a completely different crime, actually,” the scientists said, speaking as one, “the cowardly suicide-attacks that destroyed the Word Trade Center and the unprovoked madness that damaged one wall of the headquarters of the most powerful military force on earth. But in the course of that one, we developed special investigative techniques that didn’t amount to torture, and, to our surprise, horror and delight, the riddles kept getting solved. By daytime, we realised that the enemy individuals whom the Holy Lamb has blessed into our custody had confessed not only to those evil attacks, but that they were the abductors of Lord Lucan and had killed Cock Robin and the Princes in the Tower and the Lindbergh baby, personally, all 698 of them.”

The scientists denied that any dirt had got onto their multiplying lenses though, and were adamant that their “ideas... methods...” had not become unsound.

“Above all, I’d like to reassure the public that we did not give in to the temptation to be God,” the chief scientist said, mumbling eloquently from behind his black leather science-mask.

Senior Police Officer Apologises for Terror Costume

A senior police officer provoked outrage in terror circles this week, and been widely castigated by extremists, after attending a fancy dress fair in fancy dress.

“When I saw the pictures of Grampound village fete on BBC Spotlight, I thought I was beside myself!” terror supremo Osama bin Laden fumed. “The flowing robes are a slap in the manhood to everything the Mujahideen are trying to achieve with their courageous attacks on passers-by, and the rubber mask seemed to imply that at least one Briton remains uncowed by my terrible visage. How can this be? Am I not awful?”

Other terrorists have called for a full investigation by the Independent Police Complaints Commission, no matter the cost, and demanded that Britons stop being so fun-loving and dauntless, especially at carnivals, “which traditionally act as a sort of societal safety-valve, being a time of sombre reflection, a sacred space where we can all obey mindless rules for a change.”

“Common sense is irrelevant,” agreed terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri, speaking through the mainstream press. “We have a right to know why British men don’t respect us. After all, we are very fearsome, and have the magical powers of God on our side. We will surely destroy you all.”

Chief Superintendent Colin Terry, who made his tactless gaffe in front of 1000 largely indifferent Cornish folk, has apologised unconditionally to the terrorist world, and promised and to pay all due deference to rage-filled fanatics in future.

Braggarts Heavily-Armed Sexual Supermen, Survey Reveals

It’s something braggarts have known for a long time, but now scientists have shown that it really does pay to be a loudmouth buffoon.

Boffins at Fleet Street University, London, found that, when it comes to mating and weaponry, average men have nothing on bigmouthed braggadocios. The survey showed that braggarts are twice as likely as their peers to be armed to the teeth with knives and grenades, as well as having fantastic sex with lots of well fit chicks. According to the findings, boasters are able to keep going all night long, and are generally considered fantastic lovers.

They also know where to acquire a massive arsenal of deadly weapons, including any kind of guns or knives you care to prompt them about, and have been doing well hard drugs from a slightly younger age than even you dared imagine. Many have been doing such hard drugs for so long, that they’ve actually forgotten the effects of them.

Most alarming of all, egotistical blatherskites tend to be above average intelligence and are able to run rings around non-braggarts, both in the workplace and in the bedroom.

They can have you “any day,” the scientists say.

The survey of 35 000 self-obsessed gum-beaters and blowhards asked subjects where they ranked on a ‘dark triad’ of dangerously alluring traits.

“We were surprised at how highly they all rated themselves,” the poindexters revealed. “Interestingly, they also scored highly on personality tests for lying, telling fibs and telling great whoppers – although it’s not yet clear what use such skills would have for a charismatic machete-owning teen with the genital dimensions of a shire horse.”

Although the study was based entirely on local ‘yobbos’, “we just know that our results are universal across all cultures. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell you that.”

Soldiers to Fight in the Nude to Raise Money for Victims

Soldiers of the Queen’s Royal 2nd Grenadiers and Gloucestershires will be fighting an entire battle starkers next week to raise money for victims of NATO bombing raids and light-hearted punishment beatings.

The battle, which is expected to commence at dawn next Tuesday, will be “one hell of a firefight,” said Sergeant Barry ‘Bazza’ Barrycentre.

“It’s gonna start with our boys being ambushed on patrol by Taliban insurgents,” he said, “and just go on from there, really. Several of us will be dying, and one man will have his ankles blow off. All in day’s work for the Gloucestershires, except that this time we’ll be engaging them totally in the buff.

“I en’t sure exactly how it works,” Sergeant ’Centre went on, “or where the money will come from: if it just appears on their bank statements, or what. I suppose we’ll find that out on the day. But it’s bound to come as a massive boon to some poor Afghan kid. That’s what makes it all worth while. The smiles on their faces. That and the disembowelling.”

Hold Your Breath for England, and the Rest of Planet Earth

Pupils and teachers at Saint Uncumber’s School, Ghoul, will be holding their breath today in a courageous bid to stave off all climate change, good and bad.

There’ll be purple faces all round at Morgan, Morgan, Morgan & Morgans & Partners LLP, Brighton, as the personal injury solicitors stop dispensing free legal advice for sixty seconds of much needed environmental first aid.

Staff at Walmart, Claxton, will be foregoing doctor’s warnings and staging a minute’s non-respiration for the sake of the homeworld. Customers are expected to join in, although it is recommended that under fives stick to half a minute, perhaps slapping themselves about the face and buttocks for the remaining 30 seconds, as a way of saying sorry to the planet for being born human.

“Think of the CO2 reductions we’ll make,” said line manager, Marie Scaulding, “at least until we start breathing again.”

The synchronised gesture is scheduled to begin at 11:00 British Summer Time, and will end – if all goes according to plan – at 11:01 hundred hours.

Also taking part are, Jacko’s Gang, an informal association of eight- and nine-year-olds from King’s Lynn, who have vowed not to fart for the minute, in an effort to reduce methane emissions.

“We’ll give it a shot,” said Jacko, “for the sake of the planet. It’s gonna be hard though, so I en’t makin’ any promises.”

Get involved! Log in to our website to see how you can do your bit. One minute of global anoxia will retard the El Niño effect by up to 0.000 000 001 seconds, two minutes will lessen the impact of drought in Africa by almost twice that, so what are you waiting for?!

Note: members of the public encountering anyone who has realised the coming necessity of global climate engineering – or, still worse, begun making provisions for it – are advised to treat them as strictly human interest and a bit of light relief. Keep half filling your kettle and collecting that tinfoil. It is not a sticking plaster. Close your eyes, wish hard, and repeat to yourself: it is not.