Soldiers to Fight in the Nude to Raise Money for Victims

Soldiers of the Queen’s Royal 2nd Grenadiers and Gloucestershires will be fighting an entire battle starkers next week to raise money for victims of NATO bombing raids and light-hearted punishment beatings.

The battle, which is expected to commence at dawn next Tuesday, will be “one hell of a firefight,” said Sergeant Barry ‘Bazza’ Barrycentre.

“It’s gonna start with our boys being ambushed on patrol by Taliban insurgents,” he said, “and just go on from there, really. Several of us will be dying, and one man will have his ankles blow off. All in day’s work for the Gloucestershires, except that this time we’ll be engaging them totally in the buff.

“I en’t sure exactly how it works,” Sergeant ’Centre went on, “or where the money will come from: if it just appears on their bank statements, or what. I suppose we’ll find that out on the day. But it’s bound to come as a massive boon to some poor Afghan kid. That’s what makes it all worth while. The smiles on their faces. That and the disembowelling.”

Hold Your Breath for England, and the Rest of Planet Earth

Pupils and teachers at Saint Uncumber’s School, Ghoul, will be holding their breath today in a courageous bid to stave off all climate change, good and bad.

There’ll be purple faces all round at Morgan, Morgan, Morgan & Morgans & Partners LLP, Brighton, as the personal injury solicitors stop dispensing free legal advice for sixty seconds of much needed environmental first aid.

Staff at Walmart, Claxton, will be foregoing doctor’s warnings and staging a minute’s non-respiration for the sake of the homeworld. Customers are expected to join in, although it is recommended that under fives stick to half a minute, perhaps slapping themselves about the face and buttocks for the remaining 30 seconds, as a way of saying sorry to the planet for being born human.

“Think of the CO2 reductions we’ll make,” said line manager, Marie Scaulding, “at least until we start breathing again.”

The synchronised gesture is scheduled to begin at 11:00 British Summer Time, and will end – if all goes according to plan – at 11:01 hundred hours.

Also taking part are, Jacko’s Gang, an informal association of eight- and nine-year-olds from King’s Lynn, who have vowed not to fart for the minute, in an effort to reduce methane emissions.

“We’ll give it a shot,” said Jacko, “for the sake of the planet. It’s gonna be hard though, so I en’t makin’ any promises.”

Get involved! Log in to our website to see how you can do your bit. One minute of global anoxia will retard the El Niño effect by up to 0.000 000 001 seconds, two minutes will lessen the impact of drought in Africa by almost twice that, so what are you waiting for?!

Note: members of the public encountering anyone who has realised the coming necessity of global climate engineering – or, still worse, begun making provisions for it – are advised to treat them as strictly human interest and a bit of light relief. Keep half filling your kettle and collecting that tinfoil. It is not a sticking plaster. Close your eyes, wish hard, and repeat to yourself: it is not.

Bludgeoners Speak Out Against Knife Crime

The British Bludgeoners’ Association is to speak to school children in a unique pilot scheme designed to combat knife crime.

“A hefty blow to the temples or a few good wallops on the top of the head is every bit as effective as a stabbing,” said Sir Burt Whack, Chief Bludgeoner for Norfolk. “I think these days, in our world of gee-wiz gadgets and instant gratification, we sometimes seem to forget that. It may not be as romantic as plunging nine inches of honed steel into an enemy classmate’s heart, but it does the job, and – most important – the Daily Newspaper won’t mind so much.”

“It is imperative that we reduce the proportion of violent deaths in Britain that are caused by knives to a level that will send the Daily Newspaper back to grumbling about foreigners,” agreed Equalisations Minister Harriet Harman.

It is hoped that the talks, which will emphasise the old-world charm of a good clobbering, will appeal especially to the more athletic kids.

“It’s come to a sorry pass,” said Whack, “when these natural lords of the playground can’t even kick a fat boy repeatedly in the groin over a series of months without fear of having their gizzards slit.”

The government has given the scheme a cautious thumbs up.

“We think it must be working,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “as only one of our ministers lost a thumb to knife crime during the second-long approval. Of course, it would be better if young people limited their aggressive instincts to the M16 assault rifle and stinger missiles deployed through the official channels, but cudgelling is a start.”

Pupils of Saint Uncumber’s School, Ghoul, admitted to being impressed by the elderly killer’s demonstration of blunt trauma, and promised to “give it a go.”

Food Crisis “Other People’s Fault”

A three-day emergency session of the UN, called in response to the worsening food crisis, ended in triumph today, with delegates reaching unprecedented agreement on where fault lay.

The presidents and generalissimos from every nation, creed and colour met in Rome to discuss space-rocketing living costs. Pundits had expected long-standing feuds to stymie them. However, even the bitterest of rivals were quick to cast their differences aside in the face of such urgent need.

Leaders were unanimous in laying the blame squarely on other people.

“It is global warming resulting from climate change – or climate change resulting from global warming,” declared Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe’s embattled ruler, “I forget which. But either way, other people have caused it. We must have the courage to say it.”

Israeli President Shimon Peres, custodian of the Middle East’s largest arsenal, concurred: “The world is short of food not bombs. Who has inflated the price of food? I put my money on the terrorists, or possibly the Iranians, but certainly – as my colleague says – it is other people. Let us not be afraid to say so.”

Many rulers, from Kim Jong Il to Gordon Brown, agreed that other people had not only caused but also exacerbated the problem, which has lead to widespread hunger.

“Solutions are beside the point,” the elderly men in expensive clothes said. “As world leaders, we rarely see eye to eye on anything, so shut up, ordinary folk, enjoy the occasion, and don’t ask so many fucking questions. Or else.”

Eye Eye, Your Highness

Following a proud family tradition, Prince William, or Doctor Wales as he’ll be known during his week as an ophthalmic surgeon, began his medical career today – with one small hiccup.

With all cameras trained on him, the future king attempted to slice cleanly through the trabecular meshwork of a patient’s eye, only to slip with his monogrammed, silver scalpel, tearing right through the Juxtacanalicular tissue adjacent to Schlemm’s canal, and ripping open no less than three of the four biggest retinal arteries.

“Yoink! That’s a crate of beer then,” quipped William, creasing up with laughter, as great spurts of blood gushed over the startled crowds who had come to cheer him on.

In accordance with medical tradition, the Prince must now buy drinks for his ten fellow interns.

In commiseration, his senior doctor, Doctor Ralf ‘Rats’ Rattenburg told him: “Good go, your royal majesty. One lad once took 16 goes before he got it right! Course, he was struck off and flayed alive for scalpel practice. Must not a’ been descended from mediaeval warlords, I guess, poor sod.”

The 25-year-old is on a one week placement at his own personal Royal Prince Hospital on an undisclosed tropical island where his grandfather, father and uncle, the Duke of York, also practiced.

It’s also the balmy paradise where, in July 1939, a young Princess Elizabeth first spotted a certain dashing naval officer named Philip, drunkenly removing a lung from one of the indigenous people of the island for “a bit of a wheeze” – that same Philip who eight years later, due to a ghastly clerical blunder, would become her husband...

Burglar Asked to Repay Money and Apologise

A burglar has been asked to repay money he took from thousands of households in the Britain area and apologise for netting it in raids. Police told the 50 year old serial robber to please, please pay it back, or face even sterner reminders.

But the thief, whom some have described as a “Director General among home invaders,” is reportedly sanguine.

“New technology has been introduced since the breaking and entering which means that the problem of my repeatedly coshing so many of you over the head and running off with your goods has been resolved,” he said. “This time almost certainly.”

He added that he did not know why new technology did not resolve the issue after previous incidents, but that that was “all behind us now.”

The burglar said: “The repeated attacks were clearly a mistake. It was a matter of serious misjudgement by a small fraction of my wishes and desires, and a serious failing in how I responded to them in relation to homeowners.

“These problems won’t continue into the future though, so I shouldn’t worry about it too much if I were you.”

In an email to mates, he described the situation as a “major laugh,” but insisted there was “no evidence” of any “impropriety or intention to profit” by the raids, noting that the £106 000 stolen represented only 1.3% of the approximately £8m he took in altogether during the relevant period.

“In fact, we’ve made real progress on that score,” the burglar observed, in the closest he came to an apology, “while delivering some spectacular creative successes and starting to make our vision of the future a reality.”

Police have threatened to “let the matter drop” if the self-aggrandisement goes on for too much longer.

Princes to Be Doctors This Week

Following distinguished army careers last week, Princes William and Harry are to become doctors today, palace sources have announced.

Prince William, the elder and therefore more important prince, has just completed a crash course at London’s Royal Medical College. Remarkably, the hardworking heir managed to gain his ophthalmic surgeon’s licence in just four days; it takes a common student four years to learn!

Doctor ‘Wills’ will be performing trabeculotomies (cutting the fibers of the trabecular meshwork to allow aqueous fluid to flow more freely from the eye) and iridotomies (making puncture-like openings through the iris) using a combination of scalpel and argon laser.

“An electron microscope will allow His Royal Highness to see what he’s doing,” said ophthalmologist Dr. Ahmed Chaudhry. “So he can’t go far wrong. But still, it’s demanding work, unbelievably delicate. A very brave thing to turn one’s hand to, especially at such short notice.”

Doctor Harry’s duties, meanwhile, will involve demolishing cratefuls of spare herceptin with a golden sledgehammer, to prevent them falling into the hands of non-millionaires.

For security reasons, special hospitals have been custom built for each of the princes out of onyx on secret tropical islands. Both are currently standing unused, waiting for the philanthropic youths to arrive, as something else must have cropped up in their hectic social schedule this morning. But health bosses say the state-of-the-art centres will be very convenient for them once they do come.

It is hoped the quality of the semiprecious crystal is high enough. Otherwise new ones will have to be constructed somewhere else.

“But it will still be worth it,” the BBC revealed, explaining that the privileged twosome will boost moral among real NHS staff “no end.”

When their stint is over at the end of the week, Prince William has generously vowed to auction off his monogrammed scalpels for flood relief, while Prince Harry is raffling his golden hammer.

“One lucky AIDS sufferer is in for a smashing treat!” he told reporters. When asked what good that would do he replied, “Gosh, I don’t know. He or she can put it on their mantelpiece or use it as a symbol of excellence?”

“The taxpayer can rest assured of getting value for money though,” Health Minister Alan Johnson said, blinking away a tear of gratitude. “With royals, that’s a given.”