For the Economy

Crows circle. Smut-flecked blusters carry the screams. Human flesh rises in goose-pimple salute. I clutch my electrical item and join the queue.

For a time, the great bonfire retches smoke, obscuring its innards though not their hungry crackle. The wind off North Ghoul Heath sends fumes at a ground-hugging gallop into the wall of spectators who serenade them with ugly coughs. Someone is chanting a litany of big numbers. Rattlesnake tambourine. A child is sobbing. An old man makes vague noises of atonement into the gale.

I’m here with Ghoul Ordinary People’s Club who have taken matters into their own hands. Each of us has bought a trinket to help a small business. They’re the stuff of impulse buys, or would have been in happier times. Hundreds flock in festive solemnity across the fields to the fire, everyone bearing a not-particularly-wanted good or service. As we near the flames at last, a great murmur shakes the crowd. We shield our faces from the intense heat and hurl our chosen tribute into the heart of the blaze with cries of “for the economy!” and “sorry I borrowed!” and “sorry I saved!”

I bid adieu to my electrical item. If this goes on much longer, I think I may have to blag a second job, or extend my scrimping into a legal grey area.

Then we limp back across the heath, secure in the knowledge that we did our bit. The salty stench of vaporised tears and trifles follows us home.

We’re All in this Together: Rich Men

(Recommended response.)

In a move sure to endear them, rich men today have declared common cause with you lot.

“We’re all in this mess together,” rich men announced. “Yes, there will be pain, but--in a way--we’ll all be feeling it. Certainly at some level it will register.”

While acknowledging that you may not be best pleased with having to fund their privilege, the rich men suggested you direct your anger elsewhere.

“Nobody wants to inflict pain,” said the rich men. “That is what we have police for.”

PM Silent over Leak of Future ‘Gaffes List’

(Britain’s warlike prowess.)

No word yet from shy British Prime Minister, Mr. X (as the ‘Press’ have dubbed this enigmatic gent) following Saturday’s leak in the Mail-on-Sunday of up to twenty future gaffes and slip-ups.

The internationally damaging faux pas were scheduled to be made over the next ten years at venues ranging from meetings with important--but excitable--allies, to keynote addresses.

Fortunately for the reticent PM, his unintended honesty has gone largely unseen, owing to the small circulation of these papers among Britons, who find their pettiness off-putting. But the straight-talking is said to include likening an Israeli prison camp to a Prison Camp, and being accidentally realistic about Britain’s warlike prowess.

A high-ranking source, Lord Caramadoc, who did not wish to be named, said, “Obviously these off-the-cuff remarks will need rethinking now.”

But he was quick to assure would-be critics that new blunders would be found in time.

PM Denies Nuance

Dashing new Prime Minister David Cameron today quashed rumours of nuance in the world and refuted the ability of the human psyche to operate on more than one level at once.

“We live in a word of absolute good and evil,” said Mr. Cameron. “Some things are good. Some things are bad. It’s as simple as that.

“Bad people do bad things. They’re not really people; they’re monsters. Good people do good things. We call them brave men and women. We should always hate monsters, and offer good people our guarded approval. I can’t understand how anyone could hail a monster as a hero, even by accident. Monsters are all cowards. If you sympathise with the anguish of a monster, you are probably a coward too.

“And what’s so thrilling about outlaws? Outlaws are boring. Especially those who target authority figures.

“I think if children read more of our Great British literature, they wouldn’t have to be told these things.”

When asked if he knew word multifaceted, he said yes, “But I don’t think it applies to things. There’s good and there’s bad. End of story.”

When asked which was best, he hesitated slightly before replying, “Good, of course.”

Broken Brain

As more details about his rampage emerge, it appear Cumbrian gunman Derrick Bird may have been motivated by an exceptionally tough form of tough love towards colleagues and bystanders. It is also suspected that some of the 52-year-old’s murders were tough decisions, while others may have been demonstrations of strong, stable leadership that simply became too strong, but not stable enough, over the course of that fateful morning. Speaking from the Other Side via a choir of psychics, the cabbie’s bloodied soul expressed regret to the families of the 12 he killed, but not remorse, saying that lashing out at non-millionaires was the only way to deal with a debt crisis.

Bad News for Voters in Latest YouPoll

Over 66% of party leaders think the British People are “more style than substance.” 33% believe voters should take more responsibility for heckles, or at least frame their ill-conceived non-sequiturs into a semblance of coherence. Well over half the leaders polled said voters were too easily swayed by rivals, while a clear majority wish voters would “just go away.”

Ratings for doddery xenophobes took a tumble this week with one third of party leaders saying they’d like less of their inmost feelings to be broadcast to such people.

Most leaders admitted they would take pleasure in making “tough decisions” if elected.

The working class are currently trailing the middle class in leaders’ estimation, with upper class a clear favourite. Leaders chose “tendency not to accept what our backers think is best for them” as the least likeable trait of voters.

Taliban Triple Agent may have been Quincentumetquadragintuple Agent: CIA

Amid fears that the Jordanian mole who killed seven CIA agents in a suicide blast last week may have been a “much higher order of agent than even we suspected”, CIA operatives are to receive an anti-infiltration mnemonic for identifying traitors in the field.

“It’s a very complex problem, knowing who to trust,” said Black Hat Spy, one of the world’s top spies. “Double and triple agents are dicey enough, but when you start getting into double figures it’s hard to keep track and, for a jaded spook, hard to even care.”

According to CIA spokesspy, Spy Z, “The breakthrough came when we realised that a quadruple agent was basically the same thing as a double agent, and a triple agent was essentially just an agent. After that it was simply a matter of encoding this insight in rhyme.

“Actually, most of spying boils down to rhymes.

“It goes something like: odd, thank God; even, best be leavin’,” said Spy Z. “Needless to say, those aren’t the actual words. They are Top Secret. But it’s something like that. Of course, this rhyme only works if you count loyalties starting from your own side. Therefore we have constructed a second rhyme for use when talking with respect to the enemy: even, I’m breathin’ (more easily); odd, oh sod... The trick is knowing which to use. I think spies should get the hang of it though.”

Not all spies are convinced. Yellow Dress Girl said the rhymes were “both silly” and that she will continue using her own secret method, “thank you very much.”

But The One Arm Spy is cautiously optimistic: “Latin is boring. That’s why many spies risk their lives by not learning to count to 540 in it. I think this new jingle is a boon, or a Godsend at the very least.”

Child Migrants Thank PM

(Last year, Prince Charles apologised to the great-grandchildren of Edwardian orphans who were dressed as bees and made to pollunate flowers in the grounds of Windsor Castle.)

Child migrants in British prisons and detention centres have welcomed PM Gordon Brown’s apology to the child migrants of a previous century.

Under the Child Migrants Programme, some 7 000 children were sent to Australia, but many were abused and ended up in institutions.

Today’s imprisoned migrants applauded the Prime Minister’s announcement that “the time is now right” for the UK government to apologise for the actions of previous governments, even though some of the victims of the 80-year-old scheme are no longer with us to appreciate it.

“It is a kind and thoughtful gesture,” said Fatima Latif, 10, Yarl’s Wood. “My sisters and I have been held prisoner for 18 months now and subjected to racist abuse by guards; we can really feel for those children of an earlier generation.”

“We are very pleased with Mr Brown’s brave words,” said Mohammed Salehi, 6 and a half, Dungavel.

Leaks reveal roads, schools, hospitals result of Libya deal: dismantling to start Thursday

Confidential documents, leaked out today, show that ministers only approved much of the infrastructure of Kent, England, as part of an agreement with Libya.

The documents show that ministers initially tried to exclude Kent from the deal, saying that it was, “Just a little county.” But in September 2007, Services Secretary Lord Caramadoc told barons that the pariah shire, “did not want to be treated differently.”

In December, Lord Caramadoc told outraged Kent councillors that the decision over whether to do good deeds there still rested with them, but that it might improve lives if they did, and was technically a legal requirement.

The provision of public services in Kent, on compassionate grounds, has been greeted by a storm of protest, especially in America, where healthcare for non-millionaires is seen as a form of terror.

Former CIA Director of Chokings, Porter J. Goss, called the magnanimity “a mockery of justice.” City bosses sang songs of revulsion, while opposition leader David Cameron said the government should come clean now about how many unworthy people might have been aided or educated.

Meanwhile, there are fresh allegations of double dealing after it emerged that Gordon Brown may have photocopied the agreement to read in the bath.

Policing of the county has been suspended, as of midnight, and destruction power-lines is to proceed on Thursday when the dynamite arrives.

Go Forth and Divide

News scientists at Fleet Street University have discovered a remarkable new function on calculators which looks set to revolutionise. The function is believed to map the Cartesian product of the reals and the reals excluding zero onto the reals. Its symbol is described as “something like a horizontal line with one dot above it and one below.”

“It’s an amazing operation,” one boffin raved. “It allows us to relate one random quantity with another to give a third, totally meaningless figure. With this function, if we don’t like an amount, we can make it bigger or smaller at will. It’s every journalist’s dream, and so easy to use. For example, did you know that Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi served just eleven and a half days for each of the 270 people killed in the Lockerby blast? Of course, by this logic, to find the appropriate term for a single murder, we’d have to divide the maximum time a human could spend in prison by the maximum number one person can kill, say 70 years by 70 million, for a Hitler, which comes to one millionth of a year, or – um – 30 seconds...

“Or did you know that one British soldier was killed for every vote cast in Afghanistan’s lawless Helmond Province? Where is the fairness in that? After all those fatalities, by rights, our beautiful boys should have won. We shall certainly be lodging an appeal with the UN to look into the matter, and hopefully get the Talibans to concede us the victory. Of course, we’ll probably never know how many Talibans and civilians were detonated to achieve the opposite result, but that’s the great thing about ratios; if you don’t want to, you don’t have to find one.”

And it’s not just killings that can be divided.

“No indeed! Forget global warming! Dividing the mean annual temperature of the earth’s surface (17 degrees Celsius) by the number of human beings who have to live with it (6.67 billion) gives us a cool forty billionths of a kelvin, about as cold as a Bose-Einstein contensate, the bizarre state of matter in which quantum effects appear at a macroscopic scale. Compare this with Pluto’s minimum surface temperature: a balmy 33 kelvins. Carbon footprint, carbon schmootprint.”

However, other news scientists, experimenting with the saltire button, have pointed out that, with over 80 sunny days this year, having a combined temperature of 3000 degrees Fahrenheit, we should all be sweltering at somewhere between the melting points of iron and titanium.

“True,” the boffin conceded. “Well, I guess the verdict’s still out on that one. Still, it is a more depressing result, so they’re probably right.”

Others have questioned why were there any victims of Lockerby at all when the passengers and crew of Pan Am 103 should have had a combined arm-strength divided by weight equivalent to the thrust/weight ratio of the Lockheed SR-71 advanced, long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft, allowing them – in theory – to fly themselves home at three times the speed of sound.

“It’s puzzling, yes,” the boffin squirmed, “but it’s early days. It was only this week we really got to grips with division. Who knows what other functions these calculator things may have in store? It’s quite possible that one of the crosses, or the plain horizontal mark may hold the key to that one.”

Times to Drop “Torture” Quotes Before Next Millennium

In a move which many will see as treason, the Times Newspaper of London has promised to seriously consider dropping its scare quotes in all references to substantiated torture – by the year 3001.

“This is our current policy when mentioning torture generally,” said editor Elbereth Mitchell, “except where the ugly deeds have been carried out by agents of one recently ousted regime in an allied country. We just felt that in another few hundred years, the inconsistency could begin to look ridiculous.”

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British Uniform

(Thing of the past: it is hoped that the uniform will put a stop to class struggle.)

Trials for the new British Uniform are to go ahead today in Manchester despite wry looks from civil liberties groups.

The uniforms come in a wide variety of colours, including grey-1, grey-2 and navy blue, and cost £120 each, plus VAT.

The scheme is currently voluntary for British citizens, although foreign nationals are already required to wear the uniform at all times – waking and dreaming – and is expected to net the government up (or down) to ten million pounds. (Whether positive or negative ten million has yet to be announced.) If all goes well – and the press-releases have already been drafted suggesting that it will have done – the drab outfit will become law nationally in 2010.

“It’s crucial that you all do up your top button properly,” railed home secretary Jacqui Smith or Chris Grayling or whichever one its turn is to be Home Secretary today.

The other called it “neatness and tidiness gone mad,” although their own hands were “busy working overtime” under the desk, designing a special little hat to enforce when they get into office.

Lazy Man Completes Marathon by Accident

A Berkshire man, crippled by chronic laziness, was amazed to learn today that he’d completed a Marathon without realising he was running one. The gruelling race took just over 13 years to complete, and looks set to enter the Guinness Book of Records, although it is not yet known what for.

“I am immensely proud,” said the man. “But I could never have done it without my unwitting bravery and courage. It’s a tribute to the human spirit, I guess, and an inspiration to folk who haven’t achieved as much as I have. When I heard what I’d accomplished, it brought a tear to my eye. I think I might have the heart of a lion, or something. That’s the only way I can account for it. I’m not normally an amazing person, but this 13 years just seems to have brought out the best in me.”

Asked if the event had raised anything, the man said, “I certainly hope so. That would be nice.”

Police Request More Time to Question Consciences over G20 Death

(The disembodied head of a masked Terror Police contemplates its actions; note painted monster-design to intimidate news-crews.)

Police have been granted more time to question their own consciences over the death of a bystander in the G20 protests of this April 1st after initial enquiries drew a blank.

Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus granted the request as police submitted that, almost one month on, they still fail to grasp the seriousness of the attack which left a human man dead.

“In complicated cases like these,” said the judge, “there can be literally hundreds of hours of soul-searches to conduct. Credos and raisons-d’être need to be assessed, and sometimes even reassessed. We are still in the early years of the inquiry, and many of the officers involved are just too psyched up to care.”

But Police Complaints Czar, Sir [NAME UNAVAILABLE, NUMBER COVERED UP] called it “trial by media,” saying, “This would all have been a tragic accident if it hadn’t been seen.”

“We have yet to appreciate the wrong,” conceded a spokespolice for the Queen’s Royal Metropolitans and City, anonymous under his balaclava mask and ritual scarring. “The investigation is still at an early stage though, and we hope to make a moral breakthrough in the near future. Till then, who can blame us for circulating slanders about our enemies the British people?”

Giant Banker Loose in York

(Artist’s expression of what the fiend ought to look like.)

York town centre has been cordoned off and a ginnel put on high alert this evening after eagle-eyed shoppers spotted a gigantic banker alternately relaxing and letting off steam.

A thousand residences have been evacuated, and some hundred more burnt to the ground in an effort to contain the beast, while local farmers stampeded suicide-heifers at it.

Asked whether this desperate tactic had worked, they said they couldn’t tell.

“But probably not.”

According to eye-witnesses, the banker spent some time strolling around the old town, earning perks and emoluments as he took in York’s scenic ambience, before sipping a sort of brown coffee with white bubbles in it at Starbuck’s Coppergate. (Starbuck herself was unavailable for comment, as she was having a another flashback episode, due to insufficient Cylons.) Then he had a ride on a riverboat.

Later, young Vikings from Jorvik Viking Centre reported seeing the dreadful bloodsucker actually smiling.

“It was a chilling sight,” said Viking Hildr Ásgerðardóttir.

“He certainly seemed to be enjoying himself,” agreed her foster-brother, mischievous Viking Slengr Friðason, “after the way of his kind.”

When asked whether they’d seen any of the nation’s wealth being frittered away on the monster, the Nordic rapscallions said they couldn’t be sure.

“I did think I saw something being frittered away one time,” Hildr suspected, “but it might just have been a cup-cake. Oh, and he threw some herceptin to the ducks.”

Antiterror police said they’d had the banker in their sights several times already before it got dark, “but couldn’t shoot him, because the crosshairs kept getting in our way.”

However, it has been further revealed – in a mixture of shock scoops and exclusives – that the banker, who is believed to be a chairman of banks, earned somewhat more than newspaper bosses during the hours of his rampage, a fact that papers are describing as “obscene”.

They were joined in their condemnation of the creature by the Prime Minister, who said that all monsters’ salaries should be cut, “at least to those of a Prime Minister. More than that just doesn’t seem right,” as he draughted a range of cash incentives for the Thing, to win it over to the idea.

Meanwhile the behemoth shows no sign of going into meltdown. But police say it is vital that the usurious gargantua be apprehended before next week’s royal visit to York.

“We were all so looking forward to meeting Her Majesty,” York Mayor, Carnivalia Radon-Radion yearned. “It would be a shame if She were to be inconvenienced by a colossal parasite.”

US Scientists Solve All Mysteries

Scientists from the USA have solved a criminal mystery that had the scientific and legal communities in an uproar of puzzlement for over five hundred years, and then solved more, and more...

The team of military scientists, working at the US’s prestigious naval institute of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, made the discovery and the other discoveries late last night, “after a particularly gruelling session.”

“We were actually investigating a completely different crime, actually,” the scientists said, speaking as one, “the cowardly suicide-attacks that destroyed the Word Trade Center and the unprovoked madness that damaged one wall of the headquarters of the most powerful military force on earth. But in the course of that one, we developed special investigative techniques that didn’t amount to torture, and, to our surprise, horror and delight, the riddles kept getting solved. By daytime, we realised that the enemy individuals whom the Holy Lamb has blessed into our custody had confessed not only to those evil attacks, but that they were the abductors of Lord Lucan and had killed Cock Robin and the Princes in the Tower and the Lindbergh baby, personally, all 698 of them.”

The scientists denied that any dirt had got onto their multiplying lenses though, and were adamant that their “ideas... methods...” had not become unsound.

“Above all, I’d like to reassure the public that we did not give in to the temptation to be God,” the chief scientist said, mumbling eloquently from behind his black leather science-mask.

Senior Police Officer Apologises for Terror Costume

A senior police officer provoked outrage in terror circles this week, and been widely castigated by extremists, after attending a fancy dress fair in fancy dress.

“When I saw the pictures of Grampound village fete on BBC Spotlight, I thought I was beside myself!” terror supremo Osama bin Laden fumed. “The flowing robes are a slap in the manhood to everything the Mujahideen are trying to achieve with their courageous attacks on passers-by, and the rubber mask seemed to imply that at least one Briton remains uncowed by my terrible visage. How can this be? Am I not awful?”

Other terrorists have called for a full investigation by the Independent Police Complaints Commission, no matter the cost, and demanded that Britons stop being so fun-loving and dauntless, especially at carnivals, “which traditionally act as a sort of societal safety-valve, being a time of sombre reflection, a sacred space where we can all obey mindless rules for a change.”

“Common sense is irrelevant,” agreed terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri, speaking through the mainstream press. “We have a right to know why British men don’t respect us. After all, we are very fearsome, and have the magical powers of God on our side. We will surely destroy you all.”

Chief Superintendent Colin Terry, who made his tactless gaffe in front of 1000 largely indifferent Cornish folk, has apologised unconditionally to the terrorist world, and promised and to pay all due deference to rage-filled fanatics in future.

Braggarts Heavily-Armed Sexual Supermen, Survey Reveals

It’s something braggarts have known for a long time, but now scientists have shown that it really does pay to be a loudmouth buffoon.

Boffins at Fleet Street University, London, found that, when it comes to mating and weaponry, average men have nothing on bigmouthed braggadocios. The survey showed that braggarts are twice as likely as their peers to be armed to the teeth with knives and grenades, as well as having fantastic sex with lots of well fit chicks. According to the findings, boasters are able to keep going all night long, and are generally considered fantastic lovers.

They also know where to acquire a massive arsenal of deadly weapons, including any kind of guns or knives you care to prompt them about, and have been doing well hard drugs from a slightly younger age than even you dared imagine. Many have been doing such hard drugs for so long, that they’ve actually forgotten the effects of them.

Most alarming of all, egotistical blatherskites tend to be above average intelligence and are able to run rings around non-braggarts, both in the workplace and in the bedroom.

They can have you “any day,” the scientists say.

The survey of 35 000 self-obsessed gum-beaters and blowhards asked subjects where they ranked on a ‘dark triad’ of dangerously alluring traits.

“We were surprised at how highly they all rated themselves,” the poindexters revealed. “Interestingly, they also scored highly on personality tests for lying, telling fibs and telling great whoppers – although it’s not yet clear what use such skills would have for a charismatic machete-owning teen with the genital dimensions of a shire horse.”

Although the study was based entirely on local ‘yobbos’, “we just know that our results are universal across all cultures. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell you that.”

Soldiers to Fight in the Nude to Raise Money for Victims

Soldiers of the Queen’s Royal 2nd Grenadiers and Gloucestershires will be fighting an entire battle starkers next week to raise money for victims of NATO bombing raids and light-hearted punishment beatings.

The battle, which is expected to commence at dawn next Tuesday, will be “one hell of a firefight,” said Sergeant Barry ‘Bazza’ Barrycentre.

“It’s gonna start with our boys being ambushed on patrol by Taliban insurgents,” he said, “and just go on from there, really. Several of us will be dying, and one man will have his ankles blow off. All in day’s work for the Gloucestershires, except that this time we’ll be engaging them totally in the buff.

“I en’t sure exactly how it works,” Sergeant ’Centre went on, “or where the money will come from: if it just appears on their bank statements, or what. I suppose we’ll find that out on the day. But it’s bound to come as a massive boon to some poor Afghan kid. That’s what makes it all worth while. The smiles on their faces. That and the disembowelling.”