Abbot Charged over Faulty Prayer-Wheel

Dzogchen Khenpo Gyatso Rimpoche, 19th incarnate tulku of the Jubtrul lineage and head of the Diamond Dharma Buddhist Monastery, Woresley, Kent, was charged with gross negligence at Kent Crown Court today, in connection with a faulty prayer-wheel.

Mr Gyatso stands accused of failing to properly maintain the 200 ton rosewood device, which is designed to pray for good karma and blessings. Regular servicing, prosecutors claim, could have averted last spring’s disaster in which a restraining bolt on the central camshaft became abraded and snapped, causing the giant apparatus of veneration to whirl around the monastery praying for a series of inappropriate boons.

“First I felt a rain of blossoms,” said Jenny Miller, tourist, who was caught in the stampede. “A minor miracle! I thought. I was just wondering who could have prayed for a thing of such fragrant beauty, when it came hurtling down the corridor at me and turned my cheeks into serpents - and my thoughts to liberation. There were people screaming everywhere, and monks stirred slightly from their yogic postures.”

She wasn’t the only one to suffer.

“It cast my soul into a herd of swine,” said monastery bouncer, Joanne Peterson.

“I saw smoke and incantations pouring from the lip of the device,” said visiting sage Wong Boying.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said neophyte Dilbo Trugs, who was meditating on transience when the automated worshipping-device worked loose from its fittings. “It just seemed to just go wild, praying willy-nilly for whatever came into its mind. Later I was shot by police. I don’t know why.”

The prayer took on a darker twist, however, when the machine broke into the monks’ praying mantis collection and started praying for what they pray for.

“It was at this stage that we started to become concerned for the wellbeing of the three worlds,” confirmed rustic rappers Grosset Butterworth and Amour Spudder, who happened to have exchanged jobs with the G’Gondarrk, Chief Constable of Kent police, for a day that day, for TV. “Those are savage insects. It was now praying for things like peace, equality, justice and freedom. When it put in a request for a world with no greed or hunger, we knew we had to act.”

But defence lawyers argue that the Reverend Dharma Master is not to blame. According to Pauline Tandem QC, it was “merely a vigorous prayer-cycle initiated by an over-exuberant school party that caused the mayhem in the main hall. Although, at first glance, the machine does appear to be chasing monks and chastening terrified members of the public while chanting obscene mantras, this is not the case. In fact, CCTV footage gives a false impression, since the cameras themselves were in a state of panic.”

A number of gods are implicated in the granting, including God (the Christian god) and Coyote (the Plains Indian trickster god), but they are unlikely to be called to testify, as the heavens have no extradition treaty with the UK.

“Perfect” Murder Marred by Loss of Human Life

(Irreparable loss: victim Saunders clubbing with cabinet ministers shortly before his demise.)

Serial killer The Walsingdene Ripper has shocked fans by renouncing his claim to have committed “the perfect murder”.

The brutal poisoning of elderly trust-manager Archibald Saunders was widely regarded as the Ripper’s masterstroke, baffling police and delighting his hardcore of supporters. But it seems there was one thing even this genius of the jugular overlooked.

“When I bumped off Archie, I thought I’d surpassed myself,” the 42 year-old slayer said. “There wasn’t a shred of evidence to connect me to the scene. Unfortunately, I hadn’t reckoned with the horrific consequences.”

Although the poison used was powerful and virtually untraceable, it had an awful effect on Mr Saunders. “He suffered terribly for the better part of a day. He was in agony, delirious, vomiting blood, and wracked by painful muscular spasms. There’s nothing perfect about that.

“And while I did inherit Mr Saunders’ fortune, thanks to a legal loophole, this pales into insignificance next to the trauma I inflicted on his loved ones: scheming wife Mary, jilted lover Lynn, his twelve disinherited daughters, Harold the army buddy he robbed and left for dead in Oman, vengeful golem Bill, and not forgetting his good old basset hound Horatio, loyal to the last in spite of the beatings. They all had reasons to want him dead, but, at the end of the day, were just too fond of him to go through with it.”

Mr Saunders’ death is the first, and so far only, killing to have been awarded the prestigious title of Perfect Murder by FIMA (the International Federation of Murder and Assassination), and only the fifth to be deemed a Very British Murder by the British Board of Bludgeoners.

“Each is a killing of outstanding cultural or historic significance to the life of these isles,” said BBB Slaughterer General, Dennis Exmore. “They are all exceptionally high quality murders. The Ripper has raised some important concerns, and we will look into a few other slayings now to see if any of them might be flawed in the same way. But I’m sure it’s just a blip. In fact, we’ve already put it behind us. And I’m very proud of that. Immensely proud, as I am of everything I’ve ever done. I urge people not to mind really.

“They should certainly not be extra wary if one of our members approaches them with a scalpel. There will be a legitimate reason for this.”

Saintly Girl Damned by Clerical Blunder

Heaven is to compensate the family of ‘good girl’ Abigail Hate with two free seats and a laudatory song. Abigail, a happy child known for her kindness, died rescuing a friend’s pet terrapin after it became lodged on high voltage cables outside her home in Butterworth, Suffolk. But scandal erupted in June when it emerged that trainee seraphim had accidentally damned Abigail to everlasting torment.

“I couldn’t believe it when the results came through,” said her spiritual mentor, Sunday school teacher Harry Starkley, whose office is filled with graphic depictions of the Netherworld. “Abigail was such a good girl, always lending a helping hand. If she can end up in the fires of Gehenna, what hope is there for wicked folk like us?”

“At first we thought nothing of it,” said village vicar, and vampire, Hillary Million, who stumbled upon the tragic scene, having been attracted by the scent of blood and the amphibian’s plaintive cries. “The little one was buried with full Brownie honours and we had a good old knees up in the High Street after, with British flags and hats and everything. And then this...”

A court has ruled that the admin angels were not given appropriate guidance in the use of new damning-machines which came on line earlier this year, and an enquiry found the heavenly host were under increasing pressure to deliver on perdition targets.

“Corners were cut,” summed up a group of travelling judges, who happened to drop in on the last day of the hearing.

“The computerised system was designed to speed up applications to eternal bliss,” said Dominion Esphixiel, Paradise’s Complaints Tzar, “but for Abigail it meant a speedy descent into hell. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to bring her back. We hope though that this gesture will go some way to mollifying the family. Abigail’s parents will now be able to commit awful acts with impunity, and angels will sing their praises.”

But Abigail’s mother Lamia Hate is furious about allegations that seraphs had been ‘playing chicken’ with the devices shortly before the her damnation, purposefully seeing how close they could get a soul to hell and still hoik it back.

“It’s a bleeding liberty,” she said. “The license to do wrong is a Godsend, especially in sleepy Butterworth. But they can’t fob us off with that. We’ve spoken to Abby (or it might be Amy now, or Amélie, or Amalorum?) personally through one of this country’s top mediums (on a no-invoke, no-fee basis) and she’s literally seething!”

Time Bombs Trap News Staff in 10-min Loop

LONDON: Four massive time bombs have exploded in Broadcasting House, headquarters of the BBC, this morning, in what is believed to have been a co-ordinated terrorist attack.

The blasts ripped through the heart of Department X, where the prestigious BBC 24 twenty-four hour news programme is produced, tearing up the fabric of time. As yet no attempt has been made to reach some 500 000 staff trapped in the rubble.

“The employees are unhurt, as far as we can tell, but they seem to be snared in a temporal loop,” said Whig Star, temporal head of London’s Metropolitan Police. “It would be folly to break the seal till we know what we’re up against.”

Police Psychologists are standing by for when, or if, the bubble bursts: “We’re particularly concerned for the wellbeing of newsreaders, who have been reading the same three items non-stop now for the better part of a day,” said psychologist Jeanette Saruman, who had wished to remain anonymous.

“One concerns a couple walking down an ordinary road, another deals with BBC coverage of this walking, and the third is about their own coverage of that coverage. We urge members of the public to switch off now for the sake of their own minds, or if that isn’t possible - because elderly relatives want it leaving on for company - at least try to talk over it and crack gentle meteorological jokes.”

War-on-Terror Victor May Never Be Revealed

(Terror contender: Osama demands closure.)

When the War on Terror ends, we may never know who won! That’s the startling bombshell leaked to London’s The Newspaper today. According to the explosive report, BBC planners believe that, whichever way the conflict goes, announcing the victor may simply be “not in the public interest.”

With the War on Terror entering its final decades now, expectation is rife as to who will come out tops. According to bookies, the odds-on favourite is still “a loose array of mutually antagonistic groups striving for diverse goals,” but it now looks increasingly less likely that we’ll ever find out.

Instead, broadcasting mandarins recommend that the winner and two runners-up be contacted in person at the close of hostilities and prizes sent discretely by PayPal.

Inevitably, some combatants have criticised the plan.

“This was never about the money,” said speechwriters of former American Presidential Candidate, and present ‘President Actual’ of the United States, George WWW ‘Dot’ Bush, speaking through him as best they could. “It’s true there is - what you call it? - a small cash prize, but that’s mainly just a symbol. It’s symbolic. That’s what I’m. What’s wrong with? What?”

And speechwriters of Osama bin Laden described the policy as “out of touch” and “a slap in the groin to ordinary terrorists and anti-terror officers. We accept that the outcome may not be the one we’d have liked, in an ideal world, but how can we move on unless we’re told?”

But Mark Thompson, future ex-Director General of the BBC, and current Director-in-Fact, rejected calls for an independent inquiry and denied allegations that the winner had already been decided in secret: “These are just suggestions from our adviser. Fronts are still open, and everything is very much to play for. I hope all sides will give it their best shot, and I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all good luck, although I realise that the net result of that will probably be a cancelling out of any additional luck my wishes may have brought.”

Voyeurs Still AWOL in Max Security Balloon

Missing prison balloon, Prison Balloon 5, “could be anywhere” after a week on the run and a search that has cost the British taxpayer (Marcus Howe) barely a billion pounds yet, while forfeiting the nation up to two whole prestige points on the UN informal ‘Best Country Board’. That’s according to a new police poll accidentally commissioned today, due to clerical fate, by the blimp itself.

The lofty lockup, which houses some of Britain’s most brutal voyeurs, was built out of ‘spare DNA’ in the form of a giant living eye as part of a scheme designed to shame inmates, but it seems the scheme backfired. The ghoulish gaol has looked once, say police, and should not be approached, “as it is much too high up. We urge the public to hide.”

The sentient private prison, hailed as the answer to Britain’s cell-shortage, is voted to have shrugged off its moorings on Tuesday night after an argument with keepers.

Under-eighteens have been issued with secular veils just for the emergency. “Patriot shawls obscure the face as effectively as the niqab,” said Home Secretary Samson Aspire, “but in a British way. Bans on religious masking still apply, except for Christian wedding veils, of course, and duchesses’ horse-race veils. We are also providing blinkers for concerned pundits.”

But it could be too late. “It’s likely the jail saw an act of virtual abuse near Portsmouth last night,” revealed forensic toy-maker Bill Memory, from memory, “and it has almost certainly imagined more.”

Ben and Rachel Gargantua, twin heads of Her Majesty’s Prison Service, praised the secure unit’s restraint and called on it to turn itself in to one of the pin-toting mobs out baying for its gas, as top detectives were reassigned from Homicide to stop the pervy penitentiary before it witnesses the orgy of panic sweeping the nation.

“The big fear is that some or all of the voyeurs could escape,” subvocalised ‘Full-Spectrum Inspector’ Sister Cecilia Apollo, self-appointed leader of the investigation, in her sleep yesterday. “With things as they are,” the 12 year old sister of two is expected to tell reporters who happened to have gathered at her bedside on unrelated business, “there’s no knowing what they might view.”

Terrorist Found in Gitmo - Bad Shock

(Left: Cheney breaks the news to dignitaries in his private lair.)

US authorities have announced the shocking discovery of a terrorist at Guantánamo Bay detention camp: “This is the last place we expected one to hide,” said US Defense Secretary Dick Cheney. “If we can find a terrorist in Gitmo, they could be anywhere!”

Since its inception over 230 years ago in response to the Al-Qaeda threat, US authorities had come to despair of results at the camp, but were too embarrassed to release more than a handful of prisoners: “With widespread use of specially approved incentives that do not amount to torture,” clarifies military interrogator Major Daniel Zwavelzuur, “almost all of the 70 000 plus inmates have confessed to being a terrorist at one time or another. But knowing if any were telling the truth is another matter. It’s typical bad-guy obfuscation.”

The terrorist, whose name has not been revealed yet for security reasons, is thought to be held on level 110b of the underground detention complex.

“That’s a wing reserved for suspects who have slipped into a coma to escape justice,” Major Zwavelzuur explains.

“I’m afraid we can’t release details of his offence at this time,” said Cheney, speaking at a rotary club dinner recently, “but I can say that it was an act of extreme psychological terror, perpetrated shortly after the tenth anniversary of his capture.”