Clue to War on Stolen Laptop?

(General intelligence: General Sir Phoenix ‘Birdie’ Resurgam, left, and General Sir Frank ‘Bitsie’ Manticore, left and right, escape justice at London Crown Court today by outstaring prosecutors.)

It has emerged that sensitive data on an M.O.D. laptop, that went missing on Friday, may include the real reason for the War in Iraq.

The laptop is thought to contain arguments for and against the conflict, which has claimed over a thousand hundred million thousand lives, including up to two British lives. Experts believe the arguments include several which are “compelling” or “very compelling”, although they are unsure what these might be.

“As yet we have no idea,” said military analyst Elysabinth Hightones. “It could be anything really. Clearly they can’t be the reasons we were given, as these were both poor and contradictory.”

“These arguments are highly sensitive. They’re nothing like the reasons you’ve been given,” said Prime Minister Gordon Camberwell, in a specially worded announcement. “But to disclose our true motive prematurely,” he added, “is exactly what our enemies want. It would be playing into the hands of those who seek to bring down the British way of life,” answering all questions from journalists with an invariable “no, it’s not that. It’s nothing like that.”

Unnamed sources have hinted at a colossal reward for anyone with information leading to the laptop’s recovery, and implied (by intonation and double-entendre) that the government may have pledged to reveal the reason once and for all, if it is ever found.

If true, the pledge might also cover the grounds for future conflicts, said to be on the laptop, including upcoming wars in Iran, Colombia, Pakistan, Korea, Peru, Nepal, Sudan, Australia, Iceland and the Third and Fourth World Wars, experts opined.

The theft happened while generals popped out to buy some spuds for their tea.

Women Must Dress as Cheap Whores: Cleric Rules

Women must cast aside jilbab and khumoor and dress more risquély, radical cleric Agar Jelidi has ruled. According to the aged hermit, the demure garb of Muslim women is “just too much”.

“Increasingly we find ourselves fetishising the hijab. The fantasies men project onto such garments are excessive, and often a source of more corruption than the flesh of the wicked gender itself. Of course, this is only natural, since this raiment is the prime denoter of Satan’s sex in our society, and since the evil ones are full of wiles, praise be to Allah! As well as being highly sensuous objects in and of themselves, with their black, silky denier and Arabian Nights allure of the exotic, the burqa and the niqab encourage the corrupting dreams that come in the night, and on bumpy buses, and sometimes afflict even God’s appointed arbiters.

“Also,” Jelidi stated in his fatwa, “there is the danger that, with limited visual cues, men are forced to concentrate on women’s personalities and the wise things they say; many women have quite attractive personalities, and some are a fount of wisdom, such is the accursed power with which the Avenging Lord of Mercy of has imbued them.

“Indeed,” the uncompromising cleric told reporters, “even as I speak of the jilboob, the jirbil and the baobab, their lustrous texture is stirring the excitement that leads to perdition in my loins, and the corrupting power of female notions is giving me food for thought.

“We must also think of our young men, who are foolish because of their youth, and even more vulnerable to sin. To them I say: yes, a woman can cause your heartbeat to quicken, and your blood pressure to rise, yea, even produce a short-lasting buzz, but is it worth it? For the consequences of sin are panic attacks, depression, memory-loss and eternal damnation.”

Jelidi has received widespread support from fellow clerics for his landmark expostulation, and polite silence from neighbouring hermits, Lamas Lizzie Lobsang and Dzogchen Trilbi Rimpoche of Cave 9.

“Cynical” Opposition Leader Slammed for Dream Intrusion

(I’m going to hurt you ahahahah...: recently deceased post-mistress Mrs. Bradbury from Cradbury pays a terrifying nocturnal visit.)

Opposition leader Gordon Campbell has drawn widespread flak for his decision to allow TV cameras to film inside the dreams of his daughter Juniper last night.

Child-welfare groups and enemies have dubbed the psyche-ingress a “cynical exercise in political showmanship” and a “headline-grabbing publicity stunt in the most Freudian sense.”

The dream - in which journalists were trapped on snooker-table that was also fish-tank full of weeds and tadpoles and “special underwater clowns”, before being sucked down a corner pocket into the Campbells’ back garden, only that had turned into an arid, twilit savannah, and then they were chased by a hadrosaur with grinning head of old Mrs Bradbury from the post-office, all covered in blinking fairy-lights, until they awoke in terror - has been slammed by journalists as a nightmare.

“I woke up shaking uncontrollably and dripping cold sweat,” said Leighton Constantine, political editor of the Times.

“When I saw the haddo, I nearly had a heart-attack!” Basilette Elders of Sky News admitted. “We were expecting something sweeter and more cute, possibly involving squirrels.”

“Why did the clowns have smoking metal penises?” wondered ITV’s Piers Monk. “Why?”

But Campbell has fought back strongly against his critics, rejecting claims that his daughter’s subconscious was exploited: “What few seem to realise is that you are all characters in one of my dreams. In dreams, we generally have poor judgement and abysmal self-control. The normal ethical game-rules can hardly apply in a world where everyone acts out their basest instincts. Soon I will wake up. When that happens, I will have done nothing wrong. Yes, it will be very soon now.”

Oath of Allegiance Mandatory for British Wildlife

(It is not known yet how the oath will be enforced.)

LONDON: From 1st April 2008, an oath of allegiance to the Queen will be mandatory for all British fauna and the majority of British flora. That’s if new legislation comes into bud in the spring.

“British wildlife is some of the best, and certainly the most British wildlife in the world,” said Home Secretary Lord Napier-Wraith. “We can be rightly proud of it. Sadly much of this is unwitting Britishness. Few kingfishers or daddy-long-legses are even aware of their inherent Britishness, and the number of fern species who acknowledge their debt of honour to the British crown is vanishingly small. If we cannot rely on the loyalty of the animal, plant and fungal kingdoms of these isles, who can we trust?”

Fellow lord, Lady-Lord Beatrice Cornwallis-Devils agrees that manners have come to a sorry pass: “The wildlife is just super, but community spirit is in short supply. Golden eagles are untidy and inconsiderate to other birds. Brock is arrogant. He only comes out at night and tends to intimidate smaller animals. Mr. Fox is too sly, and Young Miss squirrel too mischievious by half. Master Jackdaw is very light fingered. I think this vow will be a Godsend and lick them all into some sort of shape.”

The exact wording of the pledge has yet to be announced, or translated into the myriad combinations of howls, barks, caws, antenna feel-ups, lows and bellows, shrieks and squeaks, volatiles, sonar beams and discharges of specially scented urine in which the British ecosphere will be expected to swear.

While broadly supported by lords, baronets and dukelets, the oath has yet to find widespread acceptance among the country’s scattered human communities. The wild themselves have been largely silent on the matter, although one waterboatman from Avon is said to be “reviewing his options”, and there are reports that some gentians in Sevenoaks are a riot of colour.

Royal Dwarf Found Alive in Afghanistan

(Traumatastic: Joshua’s girlfriend Buttons weeps with pride at the news of how well he served his master.)

Prince Harry, is said to be delighted today after his personal dwarf was found alive and well in Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand Province.

The prince’s dwarf Joshua Bartlet, nicknamed Lucky, had been missing in the brutal warzone for three months following his master’s triumphant return from duty, and Army Bosses admitted they’d certainly have given him up for lost, if the thought had ever crossed their minds.

“Lucky is a top dwarf,” said General Sir Peregrine Daubsley-Jaundice. “I’m sure the prince would have been quite irritated if he’d never turned up.”

Fellow general, General Sir Ingram Thistle, concurred, calling him a “wonderful specimen of his type.”

Bartlet - whose chores in Afghanistan included adjusting the fractious fourth-in-liner’s cock for him when it got jiggled out of place by running around in battles, and serving as the prince’s catamite in emergencies - is reportedly ashamed not to have been able to do more for his overlord, but pleased to be home.

According to military sources, he was often obliged to fetch the celebrity grandson’s used bullets from behind enemy lines when his master overshot, and this is where he disappeared.

“There is no question that the little man didn’t give it 360% though, or that he showed cowardice in leaving his liege’s side,” military pundit Max Ray explained. “It was only thought necessary for Private Bartlet to bring in the bullets because they are made of gold - this, simply to alert other soldiers to the prince’s presence so that they can protect him better. If they were left in no man’s land, it is likely that the Taliban would collect them to sell on E-bay for a tidy sum, which would be a disgrace to the nation.”

The young retainer is believed to have survived by disguising himself as a maniac.

Taliban spokesman Agar Jelidi told reporters, “We knew all along that the prince’s dwarf was preaching among us. But unfortunately Allah the All-Compassionate in his infinite mercy protected the infidel cur from our wrath, Allah be praised! He will not be so lucky next time.”

Photo Response

(Click to enlarge. (Note: clicking will also enlarge the photograph.))

The old school photo we printed last week obviously tickled a few ‘memory-buds’. We had a phenomenalogical response from people in the Symbolthorpe and Great Harmington area. Thanks to everyone who wrote in. Many of you remembered the rabbit-faced boy in the front row with the interlinked vortical haloes of tempero-spacial distortion radiating from his head, although only Mrs Sudbeck of Left Street, Howle could recall his name: Y-Rax.

There were also a fair few reminiscences of the tall mustachioed girl at the back. Several people mentioned her distinctive metallic aroma, and a number of you recalled something about a pirate. The row of tiny corroded children that seem to spiral out of the centre of the picture, starting roughly at the teacher’s hand, also drew plenty of comment. Bobby Dividend of Symbolthorpe Labs thought they might be the miniature ‘virus ghosts’ that afflicted the school for about a year after pupils were inoculated with a new vaccine against headpox, while Marianne Harpoon guessed correctly that they were her own tormented thoughts accidentally captured on camera due to glare.

Finally, there is the teacher herself, her face almost totally obscured by chaos. Terry Towelling from Harmington Green remembered that she was a Trojan, although he couldn’t recall in what sense, and Jenny Presto, 3 The Cedars, once heard in a dream that her teacher was “a quite five sprite”, but was also uncertain as to what this actually meant. She was known to be responsible for a good harvest, in some way. Mabel Id and Mabel Fighter, both of Spute, told us that she was respected by local ‘bad-sorts’, as she was the mother of many of the most famous serial killers of the area, including Harry Hatrick and the notorious William ‘Smiley’ Chum. Her name, apparently, was Miss Odile Crocodile - thanks to Bob Stangury for that - and her star-sign was Ergot Fungus.

Amae desu!

(Artist’s impression of a Japanese feeling.)

Japanese emotions are to be taught in schools to make British teenagers less boring. The move comes in answer to parental complaints that their offspring are “just incredibly dull”, and is intended to expand the emotional palate of British youth.

Currently the main emotions which British teenagers have the capacity to experience are nostalgia, yearning, whimsy, embarrassment and “the grumps”. But the new proposals could see this tally nearly quintupled to a gamut of over twenty emotions. Unlike British feelings, many of the oriental additions are nonlinear and may be experienced in up to seven mental dimensions at once. They include amae (a sense of cosy dependency), shitashimi (a special kind of intimacy), aware (contemplation of universal transience) and bushido (an almost suicidal sense of duty).

“Japanese kids are some of the coolest on earth,” Prime Minister David Browneron told the House of Commons yesterday. “We should copy them. Also there is something about social inclusion, I think. And it will make knife-crime more classy.”

British emotions have traditionally been viewed as rather staid. But campaigners claim that they are just as valid as the exotic imports, and better suited to the drizzly climate. Others have warned of the risk that greater emotional literacy could encourage a black market in imported feelings, fears which were borne out this week by police raids that netted 256 hours of marah (a sullen brooding from Malaysia), from a house in Surrey, and a haul of berserksgangrrr (Norwegian fury) with a street value of ten terrible minutes and a lifetime of regret.

On the plus side, it is reported that a pilot scheme in Llandudno has already incentivised up to one teen to write a haiku about his favourite computer game, Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter II:

“Smuts like black feathers
On southern wind at sunset:
Commie body parts.”