Exit Strategy: Iraq to Be Renamed Iceland

(A diminutive, heavily camouflaged US marine attempts to live off the land, after coming under fire from sea-trolls in Iraq’s notorious Anbarfjord parish.)

After much speculation, a triumphant President Bush announced his exit strategy for Iraq today: call it Iceland.

“Yip, we’s a-doned it!” hallooed the elated Commander-in-Chief boldly, firing into the air as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “Them all lib’ril switch-tails can finish up their crawfishin’ an’ come on out their fraidy holes now, yessir, whoopee!”

Addressing troops from a distance, he added, “Spool your beds, boys. We all’s a-comin’ home.”

“The methodology has a proven track record,” elaborated Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. “We withdrew from Iceland in 2006, and no one seemed to notice that. Who’s going to pay it any mind if we just pull out of Iceland again?”

“Course, our first plan was always to invade Iran,” conceded Vice President Cheney. “I forget why; it was such a no-brainer, maybe there never was a grounds. But I love the desert. I love watching the tanks roll over it on TV. It’s part of my heritage. Sadly we can’t afford that now. The damn Chinese won’t let us open up a new front there, or anyplace else, dagnabbit, leastways not till we’ve paid them for the others. Damn Chinese.”

Iraqis, however, greeted the plan with mild perplexity.

“Americans, here?” said Iraqi trawlerman Guðmundur Guðmundssdóttir. “Curious...”

But Iraqi tourguide Helga Gnurr Ólafsson, who organises elf-hunts among the glaciers that cling precipitously to Iraq’s many volcanoes was not surprised at the low profile of the superpower’s vast mechanised army.

“After all, they are a quiet people who likes to keep themselves to themselves, for sure.”

Pelagians and Lollards Approve Pope’s Love

Pelagians, Semipelagians, Lollards and Ebionites have joined in praising Pope Benedict XVI’s address to the UN General Assembly today.

Cathars and Monophysites too expressed their support for the Bishop of Rome’s call for tolerance, while Manicheans, Cerinthians and Albigensians extolled the eloquence of the 181 year-old pontiff as he demanded peace from member states, and respect for all mankind.

Witches, in particular, were moved by the Catholic leader’s courageous defence of human rights, and Knights Templar approved his warm words on reconciliation.

Meanwhile a happy host of Arians, Gnostics, Marcionites, Docetists, Nestorians and Predestinarians applauded the Holy Father’s desire for multilateral consensus. And, as the Vicar of Christ emphasised the need for a “scientific method that is truly respectful of ethical imperatives,” Giordano Bruno clapped and stamped his feet for joy, his face peeling and steaming with joy. He was apparently too delighted to speak.

Only Iconoclasts remained unmoved by the loving, pontifical words, saying that it was, “thankfully, a bit hard to picture the specifics.”

Middle America Not Bitter, Just Naturally Mean

Small-town Americans reacted angrily this week to Barack Obama’s claim that bitterness over job-losses has driven them to hate.

“Nope, that ain’t the reason,” said the God-fearing halfwits. “We’s just mean sumbitches.”

Guns, religion and “good ole xenophobie” have acquired a something of a tarnished image in the US, in recent years, following a string of well-publicised “overdoin’s”, but are “a mighty needful part of our culture,” Middle America whooped.

The heavily armed loners insisted that Obama stop making excuses for them and “durn deal with it.”

The comments are not the first campaign gaffe the Democrat has made. Last month, opponents dredged up an embarrassing recording of the kindly candidate’s ole preacher man jawin’ off some about how US warplanes bombing a baby-food factory in one o’ them nigger countries might not be such a fine thing after all. Although Obama was quick to disassociate himself from such hateful notions, Middle America still ain’t rightly convinced.

Barkeep, Lariat Studebaker, whose beliefs include dead bodies coming back to life and what the TV tells him about Iraq, was particularly incensed at the gallant senator’s attempt to exonerate him.

“Critter got more lip than a muley cow,” he hollered. “But iffen it’s a choice of between him or a she-president, gee, that’s a toughie.”

His buddy Junior III echoed the sentiment in spittle, adding simply: “I’m a varmint.”

Must Stay the Course: Bin Laden

A new video rejoinder from terror supremo Osama bin Laden has come to light in a hollow tree outside Al Jazeera offices in Qatar.

In the cedar-borne invective, Bin Laden appears with boot-black in his beard and a slightly scuffed robe. After several whoops, and a spell of capering up and down a hillside and shooting into the air, he admits to mistakes in earlier attacks, and a lack of adequate planning for the aftermath of 9/11, but insists that the Mujahideen must stay the course.

“Without random atrocities, Europe and the US will certainly implode,” the aging extremist avers. “I could not sleep at night, knowing that I had abandoned the crusader imperialists to their self-destructive fate.”

Assisting the Sheikh, Ayman al Zawahiri adds: “We started this; we owe it to the kuffar (infidels) to restore peace and justice in their lands with further acts of wanton carnage.”

The terror deputy went on to answer critics who accuse Al Qaeda of leaving the world in a worse state than it was before they blew up large portions of it.

“Freedom isn’t easy. It won’t come overnight.”

The twin tirades, which fill just over half of one Bush E180 three-hour video cassette, are followed by an old episode of Celebrity Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? dubbed into Arabic. The rest is snow.

Terrorists to Train with RAF

Today sees the launch of a unique scheme to help terrorists “get it out their system” by training with the Royal Air Force.

According to Defence Secretary Shatseput Soubriquet, radicalised youths from all over the world will be training alongside some of the best in the business.

“Terror CadetsTM is a way to give something back,” she said.

“It’s a perfect opportunity for the dedicated fanatic in search of a challenge,” elaborated Air Commodore Martin le Good. “The fierce lads will get some priceless hands-on experience flying a range of aircraft, from the Tornado GR4 and Harrier GR7 in strike and close air support roles, to reconnaissance in our aging fleet of Nimrods. Hopefully they’ll learn to stay within the bounds of the law when conducting their sprees, and moreover commit them safely abroad, where such acts are not so heinous.”

“Agreed,” snapped Siamese Group Captains Primrose Vesperdict and Kursiphron Talents loudly. “There will also be opportunities for travel.”

“And if it doesn’t work out,” shrugged Flying Officer Knap Sconce, “well, then I don’t know what.”

Terrorists will need to demonstrate commitment to one or more violent creeds and be absolutely unflinching in their hatred of passers-by to qualify.

Some critics have questioned the use of Storm Shadow missiles and laser guided bombs on the very first day, while others queried the effectiveness self-regulation as a deterrent against ‘flights of fancy’ (i.e. unauthorised raids), but all concur that it will probably work out “just fine.”

Early results, according to MOD sources, are smashing, and the plan has drawn guarded praise from extremists themselves.

“They push you hard, bro,” said former assassin Agar Jelidi. “But at least it keeps you off the streets.”

The positive vibe was shared by fellow student Atif as-Salami.

“Without this scheme, I’d be an mega menace!”

Please Extinct Me Now: Rare Buzzard

(I’m a buzzard, get me out of here.)

The government’s keynote strategy for the environment was in disarray this morning after a leading buzzard called for its own extinction.

The graceful scavenger, who cannot be named for fear of poachers, pledged its unending hatred towards ecologists and buzzard fans.

“I’d rather see my entire species exterminated than live another sun-around the British ecosystem,” the endangered raptor said.

The bird-of-prey, which was reintroduced into Britain last year from Siberia, added that, what with costs space-rocketing and Graham Norton back on our screens for yet another knockout amateur singing extravaganza, it wishes it were there now.

“At least I have my memories,” it told watchers. “What it must be like for indigenous species, I shudder to think.”

Environment Secretary Bestine Sloppur dismissed the cries as those of a disgruntled runt, and conservation groups urged the buzzard to “give it time.”

But the predator was insistent.

“Put me in a crate and ship me back to Novisibirsk, or strangle me in my sleep – I don’t care. Just get me out of here!”

False Bibles: A Warning

Church leaders and rogue prophets alike are calling for caution today after a study revealed that Bibles are mutating at an alarming rate.

Of one thousand Bibles collected in England and Wales over the past year, a little over half were found to deviate significantly from the text as published in the first century A.D.

Of 659 ‘bad Bibles’ examined, approximately five hundred appeared to have grown new testaments. Three hundred had elevated minor characters such as Queen Meshullemeth or Zeeb the Midianite to starring roles. More worryingly still, one hundred and thirty propounded new commandments, or radically different versions of existing ethical precepts.

For example, a Collins Good News Bible discovered by winkle-pickers in a rock pool at Seaton Carew bade readers to “love thy House,” while owners of an Alfreton King James were solemnly enjoined to “treat thy neighbour as an image.” In other versions this was amended to “horse.” And one Basic English Version from Rye was found to consist entirely of tooth-marks.

“While this sort of thing is hardly new, the trend to regard such botched Bibles as ‘basically right’ should give us all good causes for concern,” said Salvation Army Major Jeromiah Sheepsie-Wolvsie, “and claims to the contrary set a deadly precedent. There is no such thing as a legitimate mutation in scripture.”

Meanwhile Pope Benedict XVI has joined forces with no less than 17 antipopes to endorse a bevy of guidelines for young people issued this Sabbath by controversial Arizona preacher-man Mittenglove Clitheroe.

“If someone tells you their warped holy-book is as good as the real thing, calmly point out to them that they are very wrong. Don’t get drawn into an argument. Don’t appear defensive. Always use a stick. If this is not possible, here are wise responses to questions you may be asked,” the interesting character chatechised.

QUESTION: Millions have died in the name of established religion. Isn’t it hypocritical to condemn spontaneously mutated testaments?

ANSWER: It is true that the real Bible has caused untold suffering – all the more reason not to add to that misery with yet more.

QUESTION: Don’t people have a right to the Bible of their choice?

ANSWER: No. It would be fairer to say that people have the right to be prevented from having that Bible. In fact, if I am unable to prevent them, am I not being deprived of my basic human rights, including the right of prevention? The answer is that I am.

QUESTION: Many of the new variations are quite lovely. They seem to justify life.

ANSWER: True. But loveliness is just a thing. Nazism and child-harrassment are also lovely, in principle, yet we do not condone them, except in special cases, where National Sovereignty is at stake.

QUESTION: Geepers, I hadn’t thought of that. I guess you might have a point there.

ANSWER: I do.

QUESTION: But answer me this. Some people say that the words of a mutated Christ may be of comfort to dying astronauts, and help them believe in angels.

ANSWER: Yes, I’ve heard this a lot. Of course, there is no evidence that spontaneously generated Jesùs do any good at all. We have it from the official God that they are largely decrepit. What’s more, most of them are on fire and liable to give off sparks that could kindle a neighbourhood. Would you want that to be your neighbourhood? I thought not. The opinions of dying astronauts are known to be of very little worth, puffed up as they are with cosmic awe and reverence for the universe and a deep awareness of the fragility and beauty of our native world. Now I have a question for you. Just tell me who is going to pick up the tab if false Bibles gain the upper ground. Who will pay the confessional bills? Who will finance the necessary slaughters of those rogues blown out on bad teachings, or transported to a murderer's raptures by some dreamy redeemer?

QUESTION: Good point. But what if I'm too weary or disgusted to agree?

ANSWER: N/A.