False Bibles: A Warning

Church leaders and rogue prophets alike are calling for caution today after a study revealed that Bibles are mutating at an alarming rate.

Of one thousand Bibles collected in England and Wales over the past year, a little over half were found to deviate significantly from the text as published in the first century A.D.

Of 659 ‘bad Bibles’ examined, approximately five hundred appeared to have grown new testaments. Three hundred had elevated minor characters such as Queen Meshullemeth or Zeeb the Midianite to starring roles. More worryingly still, one hundred and thirty propounded new commandments, or radically different versions of existing ethical precepts.

For example, a Collins Good News Bible discovered by winkle-pickers in a rock pool at Seaton Carew bade readers to “love thy House,” while owners of an Alfreton King James were solemnly enjoined to “treat thy neighbour as an image.” In other versions this was amended to “horse.” And one Basic English Version from Rye was found to consist entirely of tooth-marks.

“While this sort of thing is hardly new, the trend to regard such botched Bibles as ‘basically right’ should give us all good causes for concern,” said Salvation Army Major Jeromiah Sheepsie-Wolvsie, “and claims to the contrary set a deadly precedent. There is no such thing as a legitimate mutation in scripture.”

Meanwhile Pope Benedict XVI has joined forces with no less than 17 antipopes to endorse a bevy of guidelines for young people issued this Sabbath by controversial Arizona preacher-man Mittenglove Clitheroe.

“If someone tells you their warped holy-book is as good as the real thing, calmly point out to them that they are very wrong. Don’t get drawn into an argument. Don’t appear defensive. Always use a stick. If this is not possible, here are wise responses to questions you may be asked,” the interesting character chatechised.

QUESTION: Millions have died in the name of established religion. Isn’t it hypocritical to condemn spontaneously mutated testaments?

ANSWER: It is true that the real Bible has caused untold suffering – all the more reason not to add to that misery with yet more.

QUESTION: Don’t people have a right to the Bible of their choice?

ANSWER: No. It would be fairer to say that people have the right to be prevented from having that Bible. In fact, if I am unable to prevent them, am I not being deprived of my basic human rights, including the right of prevention? The answer is that I am.

QUESTION: Many of the new variations are quite lovely. They seem to justify life.

ANSWER: True. But loveliness is just a thing. Nazism and child-harrassment are also lovely, in principle, yet we do not condone them, except in special cases, where National Sovereignty is at stake.

QUESTION: Geepers, I hadn’t thought of that. I guess you might have a point there.

ANSWER: I do.

QUESTION: But answer me this. Some people say that the words of a mutated Christ may be of comfort to dying astronauts, and help them believe in angels.

ANSWER: Yes, I’ve heard this a lot. Of course, there is no evidence that spontaneously generated Jesùs do any good at all. We have it from the official God that they are largely decrepit. What’s more, most of them are on fire and liable to give off sparks that could kindle a neighbourhood. Would you want that to be your neighbourhood? I thought not. The opinions of dying astronauts are known to be of very little worth, puffed up as they are with cosmic awe and reverence for the universe and a deep awareness of the fragility and beauty of our native world. Now I have a question for you. Just tell me who is going to pick up the tab if false Bibles gain the upper ground. Who will pay the confessional bills? Who will finance the necessary slaughters of those rogues blown out on bad teachings, or transported to a murderer's raptures by some dreamy redeemer?

QUESTION: Good point. But what if I'm too weary or disgusted to agree?

ANSWER: N/A.