Popular constellation Taurus the Bull appeared in court today charged with inciting youths born under its influence to “several hot-headed acts.”The 3 000 year old sign, whose gemstone is emerald, and whose ritual colours are mauve and pale green, showed no emotion as it stepped up to the witness box, only speaking to confirm its name and plead not guilty to a string of influencings allegedly committed between April 21st and May 21st last spring.
According to prosecutors, the zodiacal ox, whose stars include Aldebaran and the Pleiades Cluster, can’t have its cake and eat it.
“Either you are a baleful omen or you are bullucks (bollucks),” lawyer Tom Sawyer, open-minded and nurturing, said. “You cannot have it both ways.”
But the celestial bovine’s defence, passionate barrister Barry Centre, rejects all accusations, insisting that the heavenly he-cow is merely a chance alignment of wonders.
“Granted the NGC 1952 supernova remnant does tend to make people a bit graceful, but that’s just due to the intense bursts of gamma radiation pulsating at 30 times a second from the terrifically spinning neutron star at its core. Oh, and the Beta Taurid meteors can leave some sensitive folk rather two-faced, especially if one of them penetrates the earth’s atmosphere and strikes a sensitive person right through their face, literally splitting their face in two. But on the whole, my client is pretty random.”
If found guilty, Taurus could serve up to three consecutive life sentences, which may be commuted to one long simultaneous life sentence if he prefers. For a constellation, this could amount to a hundred thousand years.
The youths were let off with a caution when it emerged that their dad had influence too.
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