(Megiddo Hill, reportedly quiet today after the suspected Day of Reckoning.)The heavenly authorities have yet to comment on rumours that “end-times-like” events which came to pass yesterday were meant to be Doomsday.
Although there is still no word from Paradise concerning yesterday, some faithful maintain that the portents, which included half a dozen resurrections and a small rain of blood, were Armageddon.
“The leaves on the palm trees in Megiddo were blown about quite a bit,” roared Father Aughly Stare in his nightly shortwave sermon. “We saw it on the News. There is no doubt in my mind that this sinful cosmos has been swept away.”
But many are sceptical.
“That was the End of the World already?” said Megiddo resident Aaron Gilor, summing up the mood of many eyewitnesses. “I mean, that was it? I get more rapture from a good bowel movement.”
“Admit it: there were some rumbles of thunder,” said his neighbour Batya Farhan. “Granted, that’s not unusual for this time of year, but then God’s temple in heaven did open up, didn’t it? If that’s what it was... And our Yoni reckons he might have spotted the Ark of the Covenant therein, which made me think, yeah, this is the big one! The Apocalypse of the Goyim. But there were no devils or any of those scorpion-headed horse things. So I don’t know...”
“And wasn’t there meant to be an Antichrist?” her sister Rebecca chipped in. “Unless it was Danny from the Supersol? I wouldn’t put it past him: that suit he had on was woven of one dodgy-looking blend of fibres. Or maybe he was the Messiah, because he can be quite judicious.”
They weren’t the only locals to notice something. Tamar Sheva and Rachel Horowitz were visiting friends in Megiddo Kibbutz, and had just popped down to the shops for shlishkes when the alleged Last Judgment was enacted.
“Saw this one angel, right?” said Rachel. “He gave me a scroll. He said to eat it, yeah? It tasted sweet as honey in my mouth. But after I swallowed it, it turned sour in my stomach. Not as good as shlishkes. Do you think they do refunds?”
“It was probably just a warm front moving in from the Aegean,” her mate Tamar shrugged.
The resurrected are reported to have wandered aimlessly. Most passed away again of their own accord after a few minutes, although one or two made it to Megiddo Bus Terminal where they were dispatched by the IDF. As far as is known, the wonders were limited to a two mile radius of Megiddo itself. The rest of the world is said to be “no worse than usual.”
A spokesman for the Israeli military described the suspected Armageddon as “actually one of our better days.”
Meanwhile the Vatican has appealed for calm after the impatience evident throughout Christendom spilt over into ugly scenes at worship last night, and bishops threatened to admonish anyone who gets out of hand.
“Oh, but come on!” protested Howell Baxter, one of a group of rowdy congregants who upturned pews and trashed cruets in Saint Uncumber’s Church, Boston, during a lull in mass. “Can’t they just tell us? Just so’s we know whether to keep up all this praise stuff, or get on with the rest of our lives. Am I wrong?”
“At the moment, we just aren’t sure,” insisted papal nuncio Fra Bartolomeo Rompetutto. “Certainly the occurrences were of an apocalyptic nature, and accord well with the predictions of Saint John of Patmos. And yet the scale was somewhat at odds with what we expected. His Holiness has assured us that the matter will all be cleared up soon though. Till then, we’re advising members of the public to pray like they’ve never prayed before, and hope for the best.”
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