Da Vinci Code of Terror

Anti-terror mediums are to question the phantom of Leonardo da Vinci tonight in the basement of London Police Station over blueprints for a 500 year-old plot of terror.

The polymath’s spirit stands accused of designing Weapons of Mass Destruction more centuries before their time than is proper, and of having the mental capacity to imagine many more. Plans include a terror submarine – in the form of a small boy armed with bombadilloes and an incredibly fragile, giant, tin umbrella – plus a plot to ride hijacked horses into a castle wall with the intention of weakening a bastion.

The quirky sketches, which art historians had till now dismissed as joie de vivre, were long known to be annotated in a secret code of fiendish complexity. But when the cipher was cracked this week by monkeys, who hit on the idea of moving each letter one place forward in the alphabet, it revealed a deadly scheme.

The monkeys, whose bungled circus escape led them, by chance, to the Accademia dell’Arte, Florence, are said to have run riot after the discovery, trashing masterpieces and pooing on important cultural treasures, actions which police claim “only go to emphasise the seriousness of the threat.”

But it wasn’t till Suspect X, a captive of the CIA, confessed to guessing the meaning of the monkeys’ fevered screams as they were played back to him on a loop every night for the past decade, that the full extent of the plot emerged. According sources, 3 000 hijacked shire horses, with the combined horsepower of one megaton of TNT, were to be ridden full tilt at the masonry, consecutively, over the course of 20 years, effectively grinding it to dust.

“Imagine the damage this could do to an Abrams tank,” said General Sir Dennis Raffles simultaneously with his Siamese twin and wife, Dame Mary Raffles (who has to be put to sleep during classified briefings because she is not a general), “or a Mark 6 Saracen Armoured Personal Carrier if one of those were to be left behind in a terrorist quarter by absentminded soldiers, distracted from battle by their love of country.”

The gentle genius’s arrest is only the latest in a series of Renaissance busts. Last month, Dutch artist Rubens Varicello was sent down for possession of mental images of “landscapes of an adult nature,” even though he was merely a minor painter at the time of the offence. And the aberrant watercolorist’s demise was followed hotly on its own heels by the discovery of Shakespeare’s 155th sonnet, in which the Swan of Avon likens or appears to liken the human condition to a depraved act.

The name of the act, if it has one, has not been made public.

“It’s that extreme,” said Ministry of Justice spokesdroid 6EQUJ5 who refused to elaborate, saying simply, “It’s just a very extreme metaphor, okay? That’s all you need to know to form a mob.”

The disgraced Bard’s spectre is currently being held at an undisclosed location on the north bank of the Thames – in the extreme western portion of the borough of Tower Hamlets, on the border with the central City of London – along with twelve hundred English teachers who possess or appear to posses, or stand accused of appearing possess the intent to think they possess, memories of the graphic figure of speech.

Heavens Silent on “Botched” Apocalypse

(Megiddo Hill, reportedly quiet today after the suspected Day of Reckoning.)

The heavenly authorities have yet to comment on rumours that “end-times-like” events which came to pass yesterday were meant to be Doomsday.

Although there is still no word from Paradise concerning yesterday, some faithful maintain that the portents, which included half a dozen resurrections and a small rain of blood, were Armageddon.

“The leaves on the palm trees in Megiddo were blown about quite a bit,” roared Father Aughly Stare in his nightly shortwave sermon. “We saw it on the News. There is no doubt in my mind that this sinful cosmos has been swept away.”

But many are sceptical.

“That was the End of the World already?” said Megiddo resident Aaron Gilor, summing up the mood of many eyewitnesses. “I mean, that was it? I get more rapture from a good bowel movement.”

“Admit it: there were some rumbles of thunder,” said his neighbour Batya Farhan. “Granted, that’s not unusual for this time of year, but then God’s temple in heaven did open up, didn’t it? If that’s what it was... And our Yoni reckons he might have spotted the Ark of the Covenant therein, which made me think, yeah, this is the big one! The Apocalypse of the Goyim. But there were no devils or any of those scorpion-headed horse things. So I don’t know...”

“And wasn’t there meant to be an Antichrist?” her sister Rebecca chipped in. “Unless it was Danny from the Supersol? I wouldn’t put it past him: that suit he had on was woven of one dodgy-looking blend of fibres. Or maybe he was the Messiah, because he can be quite judicious.”

They weren’t the only locals to notice something. Tamar Sheva and Rachel Horowitz were visiting friends in Megiddo Kibbutz, and had just popped down to the shops for shlishkes when the alleged Last Judgment was enacted.

“Saw this one angel, right?” said Rachel. “He gave me a scroll. He said to eat it, yeah? It tasted sweet as honey in my mouth. But after I swallowed it, it turned sour in my stomach. Not as good as shlishkes. Do you think they do refunds?”

“It was probably just a warm front moving in from the Aegean,” her mate Tamar shrugged.

The resurrected are reported to have wandered aimlessly. Most passed away again of their own accord after a few minutes, although one or two made it to Megiddo Bus Terminal where they were dispatched by the IDF. As far as is known, the wonders were limited to a two mile radius of Megiddo itself. The rest of the world is said to be “no worse than usual.”

A spokesman for the Israeli military described the suspected Armageddon as “actually one of our better days.”

Meanwhile the Vatican has appealed for calm after the impatience evident throughout Christendom spilt over into ugly scenes at worship last night, and bishops threatened to admonish anyone who gets out of hand.

“Oh, but come on!” protested Howell Baxter, one of a group of rowdy congregants who upturned pews and trashed cruets in Saint Uncumber’s Church, Boston, during a lull in mass. “Can’t they just tell us? Just so’s we know whether to keep up all this praise stuff, or get on with the rest of our lives. Am I wrong?”

“At the moment, we just aren’t sure,” insisted papal nuncio Fra Bartolomeo Rompetutto. “Certainly the occurrences were of an apocalyptic nature, and accord well with the predictions of Saint John of Patmos. And yet the scale was somewhat at odds with what we expected. His Holiness has assured us that the matter will all be cleared up soon though. Till then, we’re advising members of the public to pray like they’ve never prayed before, and hope for the best.”

Wave of Secret Strikes Hits Public Sector

Prison officers, police and teachers are among the public-sector workers alleged to have carried out surreptitious industrial action this year.

The clandestine walkouts, which only came to light as ministers were sorting through old bills to see what to put in the manila bin for recycling tomorrow, are believed to have occurred over the course of several months, and to have cost the British economy an undisclosed amount.

According to some pundits, the true losses may be incalculable.

Prime Minister David Brown called the covert stoppages “unacceptable” and “unacceptably mysterious,” insisting that settlements could have been reached “if only we’d known.”

Leader of the Opposition, the Shadow Figure, Gordon Campbell spoke of pupils’ distress on discovering that they may have learnt nothing at all last term, and the anger of thieves and innocent foreigners at the revelation that, for a whole season, they’d effectively been disciplining themselves.

But unions were adamant that employers had left them with no choice.

“Besides,” said an anonymous note, “with current labour laws, and the media as it is, we daren’t make too much of a fuss.”

Do-Good Workers “Played God” with Billionaire

(Get back in your place! Workers cautioned not to think too far ahead.)

Billionaire Jim Ratcliffe, Chairman, CEO and main shareholder of the third largest privately owned chemical firm in the world, has accused staff at Grangemouth Refinery, Scotland, of “playing God with me” for not accepting his offer of pension cuts for children and children’s children.

A spokes-wraith for INEOS, whose core values include empowering employees and excellence, added that the inconvenient show of fellow-feeling was tantamount to “terrorism of the worst kind,” declaring that the customer-focused company’s plan was to “close down Scotland” in the event of industrial action by the altruistic scum, as part of its commitment to total quality and reliability, and to “close down the economy of Scotland completely” to ensure complete customer satisfaction.

“We’ll see who wants to negotiate then,” the informative PR-Nazgûl hissed.

MPs too have admonished staff for their unwarranted foresight.

“I would accept pension cuts for future generations of MPs,” averred wealthy socialite, the Conservative leader David Cameron to a soirrée of reporters in the belvedere of his country mansion. “I don’t see why everyone else can’t be as flexible as me when it comes to helping billionaires.”

And Prime Minister Gordon Brown called the solidarity “unacceptable,” and “not modern. No, not modern at all,” although aides later excused the remarks, insisting that the high-flying premier was just trying to work off some pent-up agression caused by voting to up his own pay by 15%, but that he was really quite nice.

According to the BBC, Scotland has plenty of oil stores and will cope so long as drivers avoid panic buying. The BBC advised drivers to panic now before the pumps run dry.

Bloke Refutes Studies

Research consisting of literally hundreds of detailed studies from the 1930s to the present has been refuted today by a bloke.

According to the bloke, who is a normal bloke, the findings, amassed by researchers at the forefront of their fields in some of the world’s leading institutes and universities, and published in the most highly regarded peer-review journals of their day, are codswallop.

Experiments carried out over 74 years, including several long-term studies into the metabolisms of humans, rhesus monkeys, mice and rats and a range of invertebrates, were dismissed by the bloke as “bloody typical,” while the careful elimination of biases in much of the boffins’ work was felt to be so irrelevant that the bloke didn’t bother to mention it.

“Who are they kidding?” wrote the bloke in the comments section of his favourite news-outlet’s website. “If it’s not this, it’s something else.”

In fact, the bloke, who is understood to have only just heard of the data, and to have been unaware of the wealth of anecdotal evidence it appears to confirm, considered the whole lot so far-fetched that he didn’t even consult Wikipedia, or look for actual papers online to skim the abstracts of, before posting his damning verdict. It seems he could see the research for what it was just by reading a journalist’s confused witterings about it.

Speaking passionately about the need to inject a modicum of common sense into the debate, the bloke said: “Next they’ll be telling us that breathing is bad,” and added, “I could get run over by a bus tomorrow.”

It is unclear, at this stage, what the bloke’s criticism of the data is exactly.

“But we’d love it if he could get in touch,” said Doctor Mary McCready of the Salk Institute for Biological Studies, La Jolla, California. “This bloke clearly knows something we don’t.”

“It’s so important that he contacts the scientific community and shares his insight,” agreed Professor Jo Vogelein of Cornell University. “It’s obvious the bloke has found some sort of methodological flaw in all of this work conducted by the world’s experts over the better part of a century. I can’t for the life of me guess what it is, but it’ll surely be a scientific revolution when he tells us.”

Asylum Timebomb

Lorries in the Cambridge area are being searched this morning in a co-ordinated hunt for refugees from a benighted era. According to police, a large group of Jews, sodomites and women were seen near the village of Great Shelton, Cambridgeshire, apparently fleeing the Middle Ages.

“It’s imperative that we track them down and that villagers do not attempt to succour them,” cautioned constabulary spokesdog Django Breeder. “Members of the public are advised not to approach the wayworn wretches as they are believed to be heavily vexed, and some may be piteous.

“If you see them hiding, let us know. If they seek refuge in your outhouse, burn them. That’s the best way to help them, in the long run.

“There’s a pernicious rumour doing the rounds that these persons may be your own flesh and blood, and that acts of cruelty towards them could redound in a paradoxical way, but we urge locals not to pay much heed to that.”

In particular, police are advising parents of Scouts and Guides to keep their children safely indoors in case one mistakes the needy folk for human beings and does them a good turn. A bite of bread or a sup of ale may seem harmless enough, but the editor of the Daily Mail newspaper is currently in intensive care suffering from apoplexy. It’s feared that acts of mercy will only make him worse.

“Any more earthquakes in the late thirteen hundreds,” he told nurses from those days, “and I shan’t be responsible for what I do!”

Rights groups have called for an overhaul of the temporal asylum system, and politicians agree, although the sort of reforms they have in mind are different. But Lin Homer, head of the Borders and Immigration Agency, is in no doubt that getting soft on women, sodomites and Jews from the past would set a dangerous president.

“While there’s obviously nothing wrong with gayness, womanhood or Jewry nowadays,” the firm official said, “in some epochs, these are quite bad sins.”

“The real risk though,” warned Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “is that the wicked of our day will make copycat flights to a time when their crimes are no longer self-evident. It would be a terrible blow to us all if folk whose libidos happen to respond to some of the sensory cues that define infancy, Muslim ladies who prefer to dress in the traditional garb of their own people, foreigners, drug minorities and animals were to escape justice in a kinder future.”

Billions Lost to Good Health

(Tra-la-li-lallie: scientists frolic in a moonlit clearing to celebrate the approach of a deadline.)

Millions of man-hours, and billions of man-pounds, are lost each week in Britain due to good health, shocking statistics in a report out today reveal.

“When employees wake up of a morning to find themselves feeling pretty much okay, they often feel obliged not to call in sick,” said the report’s author, Professor Elspeth Martlet.

“That’s right,” agreed inker Eddy Vortex, who did the colouring in on the report. “Wellness is costing us bigtime. It may be peer pressure or a misplaced sense of duty. Some may just sense that they’ve run out of credible excuses and are in danger of losing their income. Whatever, it can be very hard to make that crucial call.”

The study paints a grim picture of the consequences. When workers feel unable to “pull a sickie”, the waking hours they have to hand are drastically cut. Then there are the lost earnings: while toiling at one job, employees have limited opportunities for doing others, effectively costing the British economy a further £19 billion.

“And it’s not just the hours wasted at work,” Martlet explained. “Many jobs leave you worn out by the time you clock off, and in no mood to explore the manifold wonders of this world.”

“Next thing you know, you’re dead,” said Ed.

Their colleague, Professor Hamish Twiceblind, was not available for comment, as he is skiving this year, but a group of travelling scientists, who were bunking off from another job helped out with the typesetting and graphs, as well as furnishing ethanol from their mobile lab, and experimental tryptamine derivatives, for the end-of-report revelries.

Their raucous songs about the cosmos are not recorded.

The study is published in the peer-review journal Working Sound, but you will not find a link to it so as to judge for yourself because, by the time you read this, your search engine will be full of mangled “news” versions, Chinese-whispering back and forth off each other – fact-from-fact, true-news-from-true-news – as they evolve towards a more clickable meme.

Zero Dominance: Future Invasions to Consist of Two Men and a Flag

Following months’ of speculation, strategists at America’s prestigious Westpoint Institute for Military Sciences, Virginia, have unveiled their new doctrine for the 21st century.

“According to the Cheney Doctrine, which till now has set the benchmark for doctrines, invasions are best accomplished with a minimum of troops, and little or no afterthought,” said Professor Sir General Conan Schwarzgerät, Sir. “The latest theory just takes that a step further.”

From now on, all invasions will consist of two men and a flag.

“It’s a refinement of current fighting theory and a culmination the post-Cold War trend towards streamlining,” explained Five Star Armchair General Dirk Warg patiently. “This way, we present a smaller target to the enemy, so that even if the worst comes to the worse, and 50% or even 100% of the two are slain, their sheer number will put an effective break on additional casualties. Friendly fire will also be less of a danger.

“Besides, with fewer soldiers on the ground, our high-spirited boys can’t get up to as much mischief. If a smaller proportion of the local populace is stressed out so bad that they pass away as a result of our lads’ patriotic activities, natives are bound to be less furious at us and our lovely nation in general. And even if one of them turns out to be a bad apple, we estimate that he will not be able to rot in excess of one comrade.

“The last thing a failed state like Iraq needs right now is another large and vengeful army. They have enough of those already.

“What’s more, this is a tried and tested methodology. We successfully invaded the full moon using this technique back in 1969. And – even though troop numbers never exceeded single figures, and were soon reduced to zero – our assault on Earth’s principle natural satellite is still regarded, rightly, as a victory. If 80 quintillion tons of heavily-worn rock and fine, grey powder couldn’t stop us, what hope do one rag-tag band of Iranian-backed militiamen who dare to oppose the rag-tag band of Iranian-backed militiamen that we support have?”

Athlete Abused Nature

(The crawl-stroke leg thrash: Britain’s Olympic swimmers practice their moves as they look forward to the completion of the country’s first actual pool.)

Sport-dancer Jonathan Overman has lost his chance to boogie for Britain at the Olympic Games in Beijing after testing positive for a controlled substance: his own DNA.

The British Olympic Association has confirmed that the 22 year-old will not be going to China this summer due to his exploitation of the powerful performance-enhancing chemical. The offence is understood to extend from the dancer’s own parents back via slime-moulds to a set of primitive, unicellular self-replicators.

Dioxyribonucleic acid, a polymer with a backbone of sugars and phosphate groups, contains the genetic code for the growth and functioning of all known living organisms. It is controlled by governments through restrictions on sex and other recombinant techniques which nature has developed through Her scientists.

Overman was distraught to learn of the ban, insisting that he had done nothing wrong. But BOA President HRH The Princess Royal has little sympathy for the well-adapted terpsichorean’s dashed hopes.

“We have no tolerance for cheats. Overman’s grace and pizzazz are the blatant product of three billion years of natural selection, and his dogged determination to win was born of an aeons’ long struggle for survival on the part of his forebears. As such he has a distinct advantage over other athletes, who aren’t blessed with such fortuitous ancestry.

“Also, the smugness of this talented young man really gets on my wick.”

Novice Satirists Cautioned to Stick to Drawing Big Ears on Politicians

Novice satirists who fail to grasp the concept of bulimia, perhaps confusing it with the condition of anorexia nervosa, have been advised to return to drawing big ears on politicians as a fool-proof form of cheeky ridicule.

“Big ears are a charming way of poking fun at the lawmaker of your choice,” said satire gurus. “And what’s more, you needn’t know a thing about your target or their foibles, still less have thought about their acts and stated beliefs deeply enough to form so much as a single damn opinion of your own.”

The sketching of stretched lugs is particularly recommended for would-be wags and first-time humorists who can’t muster the will to find out a word’s meaning by looking it up in a special kind of book known as a dictionary or encyclopaedia, and for neophyte jesters too dim to type all seven letters of it into one of the thousands of search engines or online works of reference they have access to.

The greenhorns were dubious: “Yeah, but...”

“No buts,” experts snapped. “You don’t want to learn anything? Of course not. So it’s back to the big ears or look like a halfwit. Up to you.”

“You heard them,” said other experts, working themselves up into a bit of a froth. “The bigness of the ears will make even the most charismatic of public servants into a figure of mirth. You only have to remember to draw them very big! This easy to execute, time-honoured technique will have you incisive in no time, allowing your razor wit to strike home again and again.

“If you’re feeling really risqué, why not give them a big pointy nose as well? Just watch those officials squirm. That’s putting the boot in. That’s sure to teach them a lesson and make them change their pointy-nosed ways, the big-eared legislative silly-billies.”

Two Killed in Reconstruction

(Electricity is your friend.)

Police have admitted that mistakes were made in a crime-scene reconstruction that got out of hand, resulting in the deaths of two actors and the mutilation of a passer-by. The reconstruction was the latest attempt to inject new life into the hunt for popular local murder the Walsingdene Ripper, but – claim locals – was marred by overenthusiastic performances, and a too rigorous quest for accuracy.

Problems for police were compounded when, in a mocking missive published in this week’s Walsingdene Gazette, the Ripper taunted officers by confessing to tightening a bootlace around the neck of self-proclaimed fellow murderer the Haxey Slasher, which some people believe constitutes garrotting, and to forcefully inserting a blade between the ribs of his alleged rival in crime 15 times until he was quite dead, which some claim amounts to stabbing.

He then burnt the body after removing its genitals for security reasons.

Remains found at the scene showed signs of torture.

However, the slayer fell short of confessing to murder, insisting that bootlaces are not designed as garrottes, and that the blade was that of an innocuous Stanley knife, whose purpose is to cut paper and score wood, not stab people.

“Also, electricity is used in many hospitals, so it can hardly be called an instrument of torture,” wrote the Ripper, “and fire is the friend of Man. I believe in a strong, robust rule of law, without murders, and I think that the world we live in demands it. I would argue that the actions that I’ve taken are totally appropriate and consistent with that.”

Dismissing critics as amorphous entities, he added, “The Riper does not kill. I repeat: the Ripper does not kill. Nor does he mutilate. It is against our laws and it is against our values. By allowing myself to commit this vital act, I am in no sense doing so. And that is the only sense you simple folk need to concern yourselves with.”

“He’s got us there,” said Inspector Mannie Logogram.

Volcano Apologises for Botched Eruption

Colombian volcano Nevado de Huila has apologised to vulcanologists for its failure to erupt as promised. The 5 400 metre snow-capped peak pleaded diminished responsibility for the diminished activity which resulted in a lowering of its alert status from red to orange.

“I’m so sorry,” the coy caldera told a gathering of incensed vulcanologists, seismologists, geologists and disaster contingency planners. “I’ve let you all down. I really thought I was going to this time. I could feel the magma building up in my fissures, and I thought: right, this is the big one, I’m gonna blow! But then the evacuations started, and everyone started taking readings and – I don’t know – it just wouldn’t come.”

Thousands were evacuated from the vicinity after the moody mountain instigated a series of minor earthquakes and caused waters to rise slightly in the nearby Magdalena River, suggesting that an eruption was immanent. Scientists felt vindicated by a small shower of ash on April 14, but it proved a flash in the pan.

“I don’t know know what came over me,” blushed the bashful basalt formation, who is said to be devastated by his loss of alert status.

But some geologists were quick to defend the diffident dome.

“It’s not uncommon,” said Doctor Juan María Jueves de Lobo. “With the eyes of the whole world on them, it’s often hard, even for the most magma-filled of mounts, to maintain an eruption – let alone a cone who has been dormant for 500 hundred years. We should all just back off and give it time.”

Elephants to Box for Awareness

Elephants Mungo and Dionysius, from Ngorongoro Conservation Area, Tanzania, are to strike each other repeatedly about the cheeks and foreheads tonight in London’s Royal Albert Hall in an effort to raise awareness.

Tickets for the pachyderm punch-up, the aim of which is to raise awareness of something, have already sold out three times over, and rumour is rife that the brawl of the big-uns will be a close fought contest.

“When the gentle giants announced their plan to pummel each other in public, I was flabbergasted,” said promoter Brian Possilippo-Philippus. “They communicated their wish to me through the medium of watercolour, gently prodded by a specialist in elephant needs. Gazing deep into their large, sad eyes, I asked them if there was any other way to get their message across. But they said no. There was no other way. The watercolours were unambiguous.”

But not everyone is pleased about the tusk tussle. One Earth activist Mittenglove Clitheroe called it a bleeding disgrace: “I couldn’t get tickets, not no how.”

And Prince William objected, very politely, to the fact that all members of the rage-fuelled species did not belong to him to ride about as he pleased, issuing helpful orders to people on the ground.

Nevertheless pundits predict the event will be a smash hit among sports fans and a delightful spectacle for nature lovers. Although it is not yet known just what the jumbo joust is intended to raise awareness of, sponsors say that we will almost certainly be the better for it, as a world.

Blackmailed Royal was Lancashire Schoolboy

The name of the royal at the centre of a blackmail scandal accidentally slipped out in court, as hamfisted lawyers struggled to manhandle the judicial name-basket onto its golden stand for the fifth day of a trial that has cost the British taxpayer three fighter jets, 20 000 man-hours of lying still in Marbella, half a winter minute of net life expectancy, and one good night’s sleep.

The mystery royal was named as Lancashire schoolboy Johnnie Valliant.

“Although Master Valliant is not a royal in the strict sense of the word, or indeed any sense,” explained Judge Justice Aslan Phelps, “referring to him thus was the only way to protect his identity from classmates. We respect the media’s love of Truth, and we know that they respect important people’s privacy.”

The instructive fable received a mixed reaction in the British press. The Daily Mail gave away free posters with a blow-up of the troubled youngster captioned, “Johnnie Valliant is queer.” The Star lead with: “Pervy Johnnie too poor to sue.”

Meanwhile brave reporters from The Sun scored a terrific scoop; that is, when they successfully scooped out the eyes of talented pariah Pete Doherty, with the help of an old lag, while the ailing singer slept. Doherty is currently serving a 15 year sentence in Wormwood Scrubs gaol for preferring different drugs to the ones the Home Secretary likes.

But that didn’t stop reporters in their quest for the Truth.

“The old lag let us in through a back door to the prison Health Care Centre where the roustabout rocker was being treated for scalds after an attack by other old lags, which itself was predicted by The Sun,” bragged reporter Elvin McKay.

“We had them out in no time: me scraping my spoon around the junky jailbird’s sockets – scritch-scratch, scritch-scratch – the lag slurping them into a carrier bag before guards could work up the enthusiasm to stop us. Later we cornered Potty Pete’s ex, the druggie dopermodel Kate Moss, and tricked her into tasting some novelty salt-favoured jam, heh heh. You should have seen the look on his little boy’s face when we showed him the snaps and told him what had happened, then punched him up good in front of his poor old mum, then danced a merry jig. I forget why.”

Apologising later, McKay said, “What? Okay, mistakes were made. But let’s be absolutely clear about this: the blinding and the killing represented a small proportion of my activity on that day. Besides, if Poles had been a bit more naughty that day, or Rumanians more darstardly, I’d never had to stoop so low.”

Valliant refused to comment. He is currently being investigated by West Midlands Serious Fraud Squad for falsely confessing to the crime of false confession, in connection with the same investigation as itself, after his lawyers learnt he wasn’t even vaguely related to a millionaire Head of State, and quit.

Taurus the Bull Charged with Influence

Popular constellation Taurus the Bull appeared in court today charged with inciting youths born under its influence to “several hot-headed acts.”

The 3 000 year old sign, whose gemstone is emerald, and whose ritual colours are mauve and pale green, showed no emotion as it stepped up to the witness box, only speaking to confirm its name and plead not guilty to a string of influencings allegedly committed between April 21st and May 21st last spring.

According to prosecutors, the zodiacal ox, whose stars include Aldebaran and the Pleiades Cluster, can’t have its cake and eat it.

“Either you are a baleful omen or you are bullucks (bollucks),” lawyer Tom Sawyer, open-minded and nurturing, said. “You cannot have it both ways.”

But the celestial bovine’s defence, passionate barrister Barry Centre, rejects all accusations, insisting that the heavenly he-cow is merely a chance alignment of wonders.

“Granted the NGC 1952 supernova remnant does tend to make people a bit graceful, but that’s just due to the intense bursts of gamma radiation pulsating at 30 times a second from the terrifically spinning neutron star at its core. Oh, and the Beta Taurid meteors can leave some sensitive folk rather two-faced, especially if one of them penetrates the earth’s atmosphere and strikes a sensitive person right through their face, literally splitting their face in two. But on the whole, my client is pretty random.”

If found guilty, Taurus could serve up to three consecutive life sentences, which may be commuted to one long simultaneous life sentence if he prefers. For a constellation, this could amount to a hundred thousand years.

The youths were let off with a caution when it emerged that their dad had influence too.

Exit Strategy: Iraq to Be Renamed Iceland

(A diminutive, heavily camouflaged US marine attempts to live off the land, after coming under fire from sea-trolls in Iraq’s notorious Anbarfjord parish.)

After much speculation, a triumphant President Bush announced his exit strategy for Iraq today: call it Iceland.

“Yip, we’s a-doned it!” hallooed the elated Commander-in-Chief boldly, firing into the air as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “Them all lib’ril switch-tails can finish up their crawfishin’ an’ come on out their fraidy holes now, yessir, whoopee!”

Addressing troops from a distance, he added, “Spool your beds, boys. We all’s a-comin’ home.”

“The methodology has a proven track record,” elaborated Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. “We withdrew from Iceland in 2006, and no one seemed to notice that. Who’s going to pay it any mind if we just pull out of Iceland again?”

“Course, our first plan was always to invade Iran,” conceded Vice President Cheney. “I forget why; it was such a no-brainer, maybe there never was a grounds. But I love the desert. I love watching the tanks roll over it on TV. It’s part of my heritage. Sadly we can’t afford that now. The damn Chinese won’t let us open up a new front there, or anyplace else, dagnabbit, leastways not till we’ve paid them for the others. Damn Chinese.”

Iraqis, however, greeted the plan with mild perplexity.

“Americans, here?” said Iraqi trawlerman Guðmundur Guðmundssdóttir. “Curious...”

But Iraqi tourguide Helga Gnurr Ólafsson, who organises elf-hunts among the glaciers that cling precipitously to Iraq’s many volcanoes was not surprised at the low profile of the superpower’s vast mechanised army.

“After all, they are a quiet people who likes to keep themselves to themselves, for sure.”

Pelagians and Lollards Approve Pope’s Love

Pelagians, Semipelagians, Lollards and Ebionites have joined in praising Pope Benedict XVI’s address to the UN General Assembly today.

Cathars and Monophysites too expressed their support for the Bishop of Rome’s call for tolerance, while Manicheans, Cerinthians and Albigensians extolled the eloquence of the 181 year-old pontiff as he demanded peace from member states, and respect for all mankind.

Witches, in particular, were moved by the Catholic leader’s courageous defence of human rights, and Knights Templar approved his warm words on reconciliation.

Meanwhile a happy host of Arians, Gnostics, Marcionites, Docetists, Nestorians and Predestinarians applauded the Holy Father’s desire for multilateral consensus. And, as the Vicar of Christ emphasised the need for a “scientific method that is truly respectful of ethical imperatives,” Giordano Bruno clapped and stamped his feet for joy, his face peeling and steaming with joy. He was apparently too delighted to speak.

Only Iconoclasts remained unmoved by the loving, pontifical words, saying that it was, “thankfully, a bit hard to picture the specifics.”

Middle America Not Bitter, Just Naturally Mean

Small-town Americans reacted angrily this week to Barack Obama’s claim that bitterness over job-losses has driven them to hate.

“Nope, that ain’t the reason,” said the God-fearing halfwits. “We’s just mean sumbitches.”

Guns, religion and “good ole xenophobie” have acquired a something of a tarnished image in the US, in recent years, following a string of well-publicised “overdoin’s”, but are “a mighty needful part of our culture,” Middle America whooped.

The heavily armed loners insisted that Obama stop making excuses for them and “durn deal with it.”

The comments are not the first campaign gaffe the Democrat has made. Last month, opponents dredged up an embarrassing recording of the kindly candidate’s ole preacher man jawin’ off some about how US warplanes bombing a baby-food factory in one o’ them nigger countries might not be such a fine thing after all. Although Obama was quick to disassociate himself from such hateful notions, Middle America still ain’t rightly convinced.

Barkeep, Lariat Studebaker, whose beliefs include dead bodies coming back to life and what the TV tells him about Iraq, was particularly incensed at the gallant senator’s attempt to exonerate him.

“Critter got more lip than a muley cow,” he hollered. “But iffen it’s a choice of between him or a she-president, gee, that’s a toughie.”

His buddy Junior III echoed the sentiment in spittle, adding simply: “I’m a varmint.”

Must Stay the Course: Bin Laden

A new video rejoinder from terror supremo Osama bin Laden has come to light in a hollow tree outside Al Jazeera offices in Qatar.

In the cedar-borne invective, Bin Laden appears with boot-black in his beard and a slightly scuffed robe. After several whoops, and a spell of capering up and down a hillside and shooting into the air, he admits to mistakes in earlier attacks, and a lack of adequate planning for the aftermath of 9/11, but insists that the Mujahideen must stay the course.

“Without random atrocities, Europe and the US will certainly implode,” the aging extremist avers. “I could not sleep at night, knowing that I had abandoned the crusader imperialists to their self-destructive fate.”

Assisting the Sheikh, Ayman al Zawahiri adds: “We started this; we owe it to the kuffar (infidels) to restore peace and justice in their lands with further acts of wanton carnage.”

The terror deputy went on to answer critics who accuse Al Qaeda of leaving the world in a worse state than it was before they blew up large portions of it.

“Freedom isn’t easy. It won’t come overnight.”

The twin tirades, which fill just over half of one Bush E180 three-hour video cassette, are followed by an old episode of Celebrity Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? dubbed into Arabic. The rest is snow.

Terrorists to Train with RAF

Today sees the launch of a unique scheme to help terrorists “get it out their system” by training with the Royal Air Force.

According to Defence Secretary Shatseput Soubriquet, radicalised youths from all over the world will be training alongside some of the best in the business.

“Terror CadetsTM is a way to give something back,” she said.

“It’s a perfect opportunity for the dedicated fanatic in search of a challenge,” elaborated Air Commodore Martin le Good. “The fierce lads will get some priceless hands-on experience flying a range of aircraft, from the Tornado GR4 and Harrier GR7 in strike and close air support roles, to reconnaissance in our aging fleet of Nimrods. Hopefully they’ll learn to stay within the bounds of the law when conducting their sprees, and moreover commit them safely abroad, where such acts are not so heinous.”

“Agreed,” snapped Siamese Group Captains Primrose Vesperdict and Kursiphron Talents loudly. “There will also be opportunities for travel.”

“And if it doesn’t work out,” shrugged Flying Officer Knap Sconce, “well, then I don’t know what.”

Terrorists will need to demonstrate commitment to one or more violent creeds and be absolutely unflinching in their hatred of passers-by to qualify.

Some critics have questioned the use of Storm Shadow missiles and laser guided bombs on the very first day, while others queried the effectiveness self-regulation as a deterrent against ‘flights of fancy’ (i.e. unauthorised raids), but all concur that it will probably work out “just fine.”

Early results, according to MOD sources, are smashing, and the plan has drawn guarded praise from extremists themselves.

“They push you hard, bro,” said former assassin Agar Jelidi. “But at least it keeps you off the streets.”

The positive vibe was shared by fellow student Atif as-Salami.

“Without this scheme, I’d be an mega menace!”

Please Extinct Me Now: Rare Buzzard

(I’m a buzzard, get me out of here.)

The government’s keynote strategy for the environment was in disarray this morning after a leading buzzard called for its own extinction.

The graceful scavenger, who cannot be named for fear of poachers, pledged its unending hatred towards ecologists and buzzard fans.

“I’d rather see my entire species exterminated than live another sun-around the British ecosystem,” the endangered raptor said.

The bird-of-prey, which was reintroduced into Britain last year from Siberia, added that, what with costs space-rocketing and Graham Norton back on our screens for yet another knockout amateur singing extravaganza, it wishes it were there now.

“At least I have my memories,” it told watchers. “What it must be like for indigenous species, I shudder to think.”

Environment Secretary Bestine Sloppur dismissed the cries as those of a disgruntled runt, and conservation groups urged the buzzard to “give it time.”

But the predator was insistent.

“Put me in a crate and ship me back to Novisibirsk, or strangle me in my sleep – I don’t care. Just get me out of here!”

False Bibles: A Warning

Church leaders and rogue prophets alike are calling for caution today after a study revealed that Bibles are mutating at an alarming rate.

Of one thousand Bibles collected in England and Wales over the past year, a little over half were found to deviate significantly from the text as published in the first century A.D.

Of 659 ‘bad Bibles’ examined, approximately five hundred appeared to have grown new testaments. Three hundred had elevated minor characters such as Queen Meshullemeth or Zeeb the Midianite to starring roles. More worryingly still, one hundred and thirty propounded new commandments, or radically different versions of existing ethical precepts.

For example, a Collins Good News Bible discovered by winkle-pickers in a rock pool at Seaton Carew bade readers to “love thy House,” while owners of an Alfreton King James were solemnly enjoined to “treat thy neighbour as an image.” In other versions this was amended to “horse.” And one Basic English Version from Rye was found to consist entirely of tooth-marks.

“While this sort of thing is hardly new, the trend to regard such botched Bibles as ‘basically right’ should give us all good causes for concern,” said Salvation Army Major Jeromiah Sheepsie-Wolvsie, “and claims to the contrary set a deadly precedent. There is no such thing as a legitimate mutation in scripture.”

Meanwhile Pope Benedict XVI has joined forces with no less than 17 antipopes to endorse a bevy of guidelines for young people issued this Sabbath by controversial Arizona preacher-man Mittenglove Clitheroe.

“If someone tells you their warped holy-book is as good as the real thing, calmly point out to them that they are very wrong. Don’t get drawn into an argument. Don’t appear defensive. Always use a stick. If this is not possible, here are wise responses to questions you may be asked,” the interesting character chatechised.

QUESTION: Millions have died in the name of established religion. Isn’t it hypocritical to condemn spontaneously mutated testaments?

ANSWER: It is true that the real Bible has caused untold suffering – all the more reason not to add to that misery with yet more.

QUESTION: Don’t people have a right to the Bible of their choice?

ANSWER: No. It would be fairer to say that people have the right to be prevented from having that Bible. In fact, if I am unable to prevent them, am I not being deprived of my basic human rights, including the right of prevention? The answer is that I am.

QUESTION: Many of the new variations are quite lovely. They seem to justify life.

ANSWER: True. But loveliness is just a thing. Nazism and child-harrassment are also lovely, in principle, yet we do not condone them, except in special cases, where National Sovereignty is at stake.

QUESTION: Geepers, I hadn’t thought of that. I guess you might have a point there.

ANSWER: I do.

QUESTION: But answer me this. Some people say that the words of a mutated Christ may be of comfort to dying astronauts, and help them believe in angels.

ANSWER: Yes, I’ve heard this a lot. Of course, there is no evidence that spontaneously generated Jesùs do any good at all. We have it from the official God that they are largely decrepit. What’s more, most of them are on fire and liable to give off sparks that could kindle a neighbourhood. Would you want that to be your neighbourhood? I thought not. The opinions of dying astronauts are known to be of very little worth, puffed up as they are with cosmic awe and reverence for the universe and a deep awareness of the fragility and beauty of our native world. Now I have a question for you. Just tell me who is going to pick up the tab if false Bibles gain the upper ground. Who will pay the confessional bills? Who will finance the necessary slaughters of those rogues blown out on bad teachings, or transported to a murderer's raptures by some dreamy redeemer?

QUESTION: Good point. But what if I'm too weary or disgusted to agree?

ANSWER: N/A.

Child Soldier with Reading Age of 100 “Still Fit for Purpose”

(Before training it could have been as much as 200, by some estimates...)

The MOD has defended its deployment of a child soldier in Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand Province, in the face of mounting accusations that the astute minor bore the brunt of intellectual duties for the division.

The child, who has not been named in spite of a barrage of baptisms and no less that three separate attempts at nicknaming, was passed as fit after aptitude tests proved it a reading centenarian.

“Paradoxically, this infant, with its phenomenal IQ, is more competent by far than we are to prosecute this war,” said Brigadier Major Sir General Dennis Raffles. “Could we but understand what it is trying to tell us with its moans of speechless horror and the tugging at our sleeves as we leave for battle, or to eradicate local agriculture, why then we would be cooking!”

Two Legs = Priest; Fours Legs = Beast

(Artist’s impression of the computer’s last known thought process.)

BEIJING: Senior party officials in China’s communist government are keeping a low profile today following reports that the giant computer used to generate Dalai Lama insults has gone astray.

The 900-ton bamboo mainframe was not in its calculating hall at the heart of Beijing’s Forbidden City, and did not answer when called. It has now missed two meals (of data) and could be anywhere, according to rumour.

A few junior spokesmen made abortive attempts to strike up a diatribe at press-conferences across the capital this morning. But most were obliged to turn themselves in to police, for re-education, when their efforts to fill in for the misplaced machine floundered.

Veteran Tibetan official Ragdi called the Lama a “stinking sedition-spider” and “a vast bothersome loon-baboon” before blushing deeply and being rushed from his podium by aides.

Tibet’s Communist Party chief Zhang Qingli had a crack at characterising the exiled figurehead as “a selfish shellfish with the head of a monkfish and the eyelashes of a buffalo. He has a goose’s ears, a bat’s bladder, the fingers and toes of an otter – a demon otter – er... and the digestive tract of a... a bee?” before he too beat a hasty retreat.

In neighbouring Sichuan Province, a group of judges accused the Buddhist leader of being a “criminal goat” whose “10 000-uddered milk of unspeakable secessionism had given some cause for concern,” while Foreign Minister Qui-Gon Jin telephoned hundreds of journalists individually to tell them that the elderly hierophant was “actually a whale.”

But by ten a.m. the invective had petered out, and no one was available for comment. The only hint at government plans now is terse statement on state websites denying claims that policy will be reversed in light of a simple mnemonic, allegedly scribbled in biro on the back of an old edict.

£20 000 for Novelty Pea “Not Excesssive”

(Two faced: many bought masks to hide their shame.)

Memory Minister Gandolph Standish has defended his decision to acquire a £20 000 pea and charge it to the taxpayer.

Standish, who was appointed head of the prestigious Ministry of Thoughts and Memories last year, bought the Tesco shelled garden pea from farmers after spotting it on a grass verge, but only recollected the leguminous bargain yesterday when a high court judge accidentally published details of MPs expenses, having mistaken them for the distances in inches to nearby stars.

He wasn’t the only Member of Parliament under scrutiny today.

Education Minister Bestine Sloppur’s bills include a ten-metre-tall jelly in the shape of the pope and 3 000 left-footed clogs.

Chancellor Mannie Vane came close to his maximum with £800 000 for a jasmine-scented shotgun, a purchase which one industry insider called “a bastard of a buy.”

Enid Dudding, the Works and Pensions Secretary, blew £80 on a dandelion.

Serendipity Secretary Dulcie Fnast spent £18 000 on an extended taxi-ride that took her round and round one small field for the better part of a day, plus £50 on dramamine. A tearful Fnast apologised later to onlookers, saying, “I didn’t know what else to get.”

Science Minister Mittenglove Clitheroe stands accused of “wanton rocketry” after it emerged that he charged taxpayers to secretly put a giraffe into orbit. According to NASA, it is still there, cluttering up the space-lanes, and can next be seen from your own backyard on Sunday April the 6th, rising in the northwest at 21:43 and gliding by the brilliant yellow Capella, before vanishing into the Earth’s shadow some six minutes later, just past Mars, in the constellation of Gemini. High resolution telescopes reveal spectacular views of the ungulate’s mournful visage at portholes.

Ailleron Trochanter, MP for Leicesterchester, is facing a lion’s mane of criticism for equipping local swimming baths with poisonous Cnidaria.

Tom Larvae, the Shadow Minister of Hours and Passing Moments, bought a “totally impractical” clock with a myriad of microscopic hands for half a grand, which constituents say he never uses anyway, and has had to sellotape a free wristwatch over the face of, just to tell the time.

Paul Cannon, MP for Haslet Heath, spent £600 000 of taxpayer’s money in a dream! Bills record a series of increasingly bizarre purchases over the course of one night last August, culminating in “a sort of hard man’s shoes called dayjobs,” which he wore proudly while assuring his wife that “if stick-to-braw means kingso, then you’re beef, old man.”

Other items include:

* The embalmed brain of Albert Einstein, encrusted with rubies and emeralds: £110 000 (Ahabella Wildern, MP for Spume).

* The bottled breath of John Lennon whispering the nonsense word “dilstilsdabum” in 1968: £750 000 (Varicella Wood, MP for Molesby West).

* One owl’s testicle, a tachyon and a CD of constituents’ screams recorded on location in local hospitals: £35 (Rogella McQuarrie, MP for Truro).

* A ghost’s teeth: tenner (Jack Plank, MP for Slockening).

* Anti-ghost sweatband: £11.50 (Jack Plane, MP for Slackening).

* 15 “retirements”: priceless (Michael Eft, Children’s Minister).

Taxpayers also footed the £23 000 bill for Treasury Secretary Marcus Dudding’s 365 scarecrows, and the quarter of a million an agency was paid to devise names, logos, online avatars and personal moe anthropomorphisms for each of them.

There is no suggestion that Mr. Standish or any of his colleagues did anything illegal though.

“It’s not unusual, compared to what others in a similar income bracket are claiming,” the embattled MP remonstrated. “The real criminals are anyone who thinks different. I loved that pea like my own brother. Now, where did I put it?”

French Hats Are Not British: PM

A number of prominent figures have come out in support of the controversial remarks of Aggravations Minister John Haulm, misquoted last week in The Sunday Paper, about French hats.

Prime Minister John Brown called the beret, which is designed to cover the hair and upper head of a Frenchman, “a mark of separation.”

Gordon Campbell, Leader of the Opposition, agreed with the embellished diatribe, adding that, in his opinion, it would be “better for Britain” if Frenchmen switched to proper headgear like bowlers and trilbies.

Judge Justice Alison Burkheart wrote in The Deadly Telepath that it was “all very well for Frenchmen to say that they feel comfortable in soft felt, or that it keeps the sun off, but these pate-puddings do not make me feel comfortable. Not comfortable at all. In a way, it could be said that, by wearing such comfy hats, they are being selfish – and that’s a kind of anti-Semitism.”

Meanwhile Conservative MP Elmer Griffins called for the Gallic garb to be abolished completely: “The cranium-cosies are provoking me to intolerance!” he told The Sunmail Times. “How do they think I feel having to hold such unconscionable notions?”

Labour MP Harriet Harlequins said that the beret was “frightening and intimidating” because it was “so obviously French,” while Shadow Employment Secretary Jasper Basculant Devises-Dives suggested that the hat was responsible for a raft of lewd remarks he himself had made to French infants on a drunken spree that morning, calling it “a kind of voluntary apartheid: effectively hate-dressing.”

Reflecting in The Mirror, Jeremy Crace, chairman of the Commission for Racial Equality, declared that the minister was “basically on the ball with this one, so long as he didn’t really mean it.” The British National Party praised Haulm’s misrepresented outburst, presenting his office with a set of insensitive etchings, so that his distorted views could be commemorated for all time in copperplate. And morose writer, Widesly Amiss detailed a series of bad dreams he’d had since childhood, many of them involving berets and/or snakes, after which he confessed that he wanted to hurt someone now and “I am not overly discriminating whom.”

It is not known what Frenchmen thought, as they were not asked.

Haulm himself was not available for comment either, although eyewitnesses describe a man they thought did look a bit like him, through the windows of the ministry building, trying to become available over the course of the afternoon.

“We saw him locked in this titanic struggle, and around teatime he did begin to have an available air about him, but in the end it just wasn’t enough.”

Lost Medals Could Be on Taliban Shirts Now: MOD

(The Murder Cross: Britain’s highest accolade.)

A crate of medals airlifted into Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand province may have fallen into enemy hands, Ministry of Defence sources have revealed.

According to the shock revelation, which emerged during a drunken late-night game of truth-or-dare between generals and reporters, the decorations were dropped last week over British lines in a bid to incentivise sullen troops. But it now looks increasingly likely that the only soldiers reaping motivational rewards this fighting season will be Her Majesty’s implacable foes, the Taliban.

“These laurels were literally priceless,” said disgruntled ex-General Sir Toby Montague-Snares. “Their loss will be a kick in the button-hole to our little boys, and they will make our enemies immensely proud.”

The accolades and brag-rags, which have a street value of half a million euros, are thought to include 10 Murder Crosses, 10 Big Badges of Courage, 10 Little Badges of Lesser Courage, 21 Orders of the Garters of St. Boniface of Nîmes, 41 Tin Hearts of Fortitude, 51 Brown Patches of Gallantry, 9 Fairy Garlands, 2 ‘Merits’, 2 Honourable Mentions, a Nutter’s Star and up to 900 Courtesy Rub-Ons.

“With that lot, there’s no knowing what magnificent deeds our foes may accomplish,” despaired the former warrior.

Army bosses have conceded that anyone with information as to their whereabouts will probably be shot.

“We simply have no rewards left to give,” General Sir Mandeville Saunders-Whaurour said. “Besides, anyone with such information is almost certainly one of them, and must therefore be killed on sight, unless they can buy their life by fingering at least two ‘terror suspects’, to keep our brave little boys entertained, and cover our expenses with at least a dozen more.”

Closure for Unproductive Hospital

(Oops: locals attempt to self-medicate in the wake of the closure, with mixed results.)

Saint Uncumber’s Hospital, Ghoul, finally closed today, after a campaign by locals to preserve it proved ineffective. According to managers, the hospital was simply not productive enough.

“We knew we had a productivity problem from the day our predecessors were golden-handshaken,” said director Lady Veronica Harlequins. “But the extent only became apparent when we looked at the books. It turns out St. Uncumber’s was producing nothing at all. In fact, the hospital seemed to be dedicated almost exclusively to a healing a range of ailments and palliative care.”

“It was a shocking situation, financially,” agreed director of finances Sir Ogilvy Barnes. “We did what we could to modernise. We sold the carpark, nurses’ flats, catering and cleaning departments, even the hospital building itself, but then we had to pay for the owners’ profits as well as the services themselves. It was clearly an improvement on before, as it was clearly more modern, although it did take its toll. And, of course, we still had zero productivity.”

But the final straw came when the struggling trust was penalised for failing to meet its targets.

“When the government docked our grant, the writing was on the wall,” Barnes said, dismissing the demonstrators as “a vocal minority of valued customers whom we strive to do what’s best for.”

The protests were led by local woman Wendy Lanyard who rose to prominence last year when she successfully sued the hospital for losing her favourite hat after it blew out of a fifth floor Fertility Ward window and was eaten by crows.

“One year ago, a tribunal found in my favour,” she called to supporters, mutedly, through the wrong end of her megaphone. “Those crows were stoned on hospital waste, and I was delirious with natural justice. But now...”

“But now... what, Mrs. Lanyard?” a sad wind sighed.

Offsetting Abuse

Today sees the launch of a new scheme that could reduce the impact of state terror by up to 30%.

The government is to offset up to a third of atrocities committed in its dungeons and foreign wars, and up to a fifth of heinous acts, with a one-off Good Day on which contractors will pay subcontractors to employ staff to grin at pedestrians, distract motorists with friendly waves, and just be pleasant generally.

In specially selected areas, pensioners will be rendered to the theatre to see impresario Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical based on his own hit BBC 1 series How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?, and babies bombarded with coochie-coo noises.

Rights groups have been broadly supportive of the plan, which will cost the taxpayer nothing, providing that they are descended from a medieval warlord who conquered the land by fire and the sword 900 years ago.

It is estimated that the suffering of ten thousand people inadvertently robbed, rent limb from limb, or kidnapped and held without trial in secret torture-jails could be offset in this way over the course of a single day’s kindliness.

Speaking at a dinner for rich and important folk from all over the world, Prime Minister Gordon Campbell described the Offsetting Wrongness bill as the single most nice thing he knows, and its effects as nothing short of affable.

Migrants Made You Poor: Speculators

(Class war: just not an issue.)

Rich men have struck a devastating blow against migrants today. According to a House of Lords committee report serialised over the course of this morning in the Daily Mail Online message board, most – if not all – of your problems are due to unskilled workers who speak a different language to you.

The study, with its focus on the slight negative effect of migration, flies in the face of the slight positive effect of migration, leaving that effect in tatters, and confirms some of your most unspeakable notions.

“There can be no doubt that the findings are a true reflection of British reality,” averred Lady Vestigia Conquest of the thinktank PANIC!, “coming as they do from a committee that includes two former chancellors, a former Governor of the Bank of England, three petty arch-margraves and a viscount.”

Usurers and speculators of all parties agreed that extortionate house-prices, rents and mortgages were largely the doing of unskilled migrant labourers. The one-and-a-half-page report, which took nine months to gestate, was penned by a range of feudal lords, bosses and magnificoes: partly from their country mansions, partly from their town houses. It cost 1.3 million euros to persuade them to make it, and 8.8 billion in expenses. But it was still devastating.

In their summing up, the team of nobles described foreigners as foreign, and, in the case of non-EU foreigners: very foreign indeed. They thanked the British people for not falling into the easy trap of blaming politicians or profiteers for their woes.

There was some debate among the rich men as to whether it was best to cut benefits and tax-breaks for the most vulnerable members of society, or if a more efficient way to help low-earners would be to slash their actual earnings. But all the plutocrats recognised the importance of a rational immigration policy and a mute scapegoat.

“And it’s not as if these fellow strugglers down life’s byways will pay your pension when you get old,” Shadow Employment Secretary Jasper Basculant Devises-Dives exegeted alarmingly to a packed Coliseum later. “For they too will grow old in time. And who will pay their pensions then – once we cap immigration, that is? Future generations? Us?!”